Enough is enough…

I need to pull myself out of this funk. Enough is enough. After a conversation yesterday, about swimming with sharks, then watching Jaws again, I realized, they don’t just roll over and die. As a matter of a fact if a shark smells blood, it will seek it out till it finds it. There are things in this life that I want, and I need to be the shark if I’m going to get them.

So…

I’m going to pull my sorry ass together, download the slush pile to my e-reader and go find a patio and read. A beer in my hand and the sun on my skin is what this girl needs right now. I also need a million dollars, but one goal at a time.

This morning as I lay in bed, not sleeping and frustrated, I realized part of my depression this week, has been due to me putting up with other peoples BS, issues and paranoia. I can’t do that anymore. Love and respect need to be earned and not taken for granted. I’ve allowed people to take me for granted for too long. I’m too accommodating and I just can’t any longer.

Before I can go outside, I need to get some editing done. Music always makes me happy, so I have Pat Benetar blasting in the background. She is a sweet little kick in the ass.

Will the storm clouds ever lift…

I don’t want to be that girl. You know the one. She complains about how depressed she is all the time. Even mentioning it once makes me feel like I’ve crossed that line. Instead I’m that girl who puts on the brave face, pretends to be ok and rarely asks for help. I was raised to be tough, independent, to nut up or shut up, you don’t cry unless there is a really good reason, you aren’t allowed to be another’s burden. So in general I keep my mouth shut and carry on. After the last week and a bit of being depressed and the insomnia, I think I have to cross that line.

I think this hits hardest to those who are on their own. I swear if it wasn’t for Sara messaging me several times a day last week and her birthday party on Saturday, I would have barely had any human contact at all. Trust me I tried, but am of course one of those people who has a hell of a time asking for help. Just asking for company alone, when I’m like this is hard and when you continually get shot down, well, it doesn’t help matters. It sure as hell puts your life into perspective though.

I’m tired of everyone blowing me off because they figure, ‘she’s strong, she can take it, she will figure it out on her own.’ Even the ones you think are tough, need some human compassion, tenderness and consideration once in a while. And while you are at it, respect! I’m not a robot! Stop taking me for granted!

Unless something turns around soon, I’m fully expecting another week of the same. Me not leaving my apartment, not sleeping, hermitting. A combination of yesterday’s storm and hearing the news about Jack Layton, has put a lot into perspective. Life is too fucking short. I should be a priority and not an option. Sadly to a few I am the latter, so I guess it’s time I stop making them a priority as well.

I’m going to try to pull myself out of this and get on with it. I have a lot of good things going on in my life. I get to do what I love, though the of lack of $$$ is constantly adding to my stress, at least being able to follow my passion is helping. Being in this involuntary solitary confinement has at least given me a lot of time to get work done.

It’s time to stop obsessing about the things and people who don’t deserve it and concentrate on the things and people who do.

It’s too early for this…

Bizarre conversations that happen in the elevator of my building. {I need to start recording these and do a book} Ok.. this one wasn’t as bizarre as most, just one of the more skeezie ones. You had to be there and this requires a comic strip… wait a minute… that gives me an idea.

First off… I got in the elevator, pushed my floor… but it proceeded to go to the penthouse. Mr. MoMo get’s in, some other random guy I’ve never seen before gets in. Random guy keeps giving the skeezie up and down action with is eyes… well you get the picture.

Mr. Momo: Good Morning Beautiful.
Me: Good Morning Gorgeous, only one dog?
Mr. Momo: Hubs took the other two out. Turns to random guy, (who is holding bags) grocery shopping?
Random Guy: {looks me up and down} Going to buy meat and beer.
Me: {under my breath, but Mr. Momo heard it} Gross.
Mr. Momo: Meat?
Random Guy: Ya, am having a BBQ, you guys should come.
Mr. Momo: When are you having it?
Random Guy: Tonight, am buying a couple really big steaks. Red… you wanna come?
Me: {Rolls eyes} Sorry I don’t do BBQ’s. (I do, but this guy is sleazy)
Mr. Momo: Ah yes, you don’t eat meat.
Random Guy: She’s doesn’t eat meat?
Mr. Momo: She’s Vegan.
Random Guy: You don’t look Vegan.
Me: {shot him a look with lazer eyes} What’s that supposed to mean? {Normally at this point I actually explain to people that Vegan’s don’t just eat veggies and air, peoples perceptions are wrong, but I just wanted to get the hell out of the elevator}
Random Guy: You aren’t all skinny and starving looking.
Me: {sarcasm font} No I eat quite well, thx…
Mr. Momo: And she’s gorgeous.
Me: Thx Mr. Momo.
Random Guy: {as I’m getting off the elevator} and you have a nice ass.
{shiver} …

On a positive note… I apparently have a nice ass….

and you know my luck… every time I get on the elevator.. he’ll be there. UGG! Solution, I need to figure out how to afford to buy a house. It might mean having a roommate so I can afford to actually live… but am starting to reconsider this again…

I’m going to take advantage of you insomnia

Dear Netflix,

I’ve made a very important decision. Bleary eyed and possibly delirious, you are my reliable friend who will help me through the night.

Since this evil co-hort, I like to call asshell is stalking me and tormenting me as I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling begging to be left alone, I am going to attack this a different way. Yup. I have a plan.

I figure by 11ish I will have drained my brain of any coherent words that are still wandering around in there. There is a bottle of wine in the fridge with my name on it. {anyone about to tell me I shouldn’t drink alone, screw you, unless you plan to come and drink with me at 2 am, shuttie!}

Now here is where you come in Netflix. Are you ready. I have a long list of movies we are going to watch together, rather I’ll be watching on you, but… I digress…

First up…
Super High Me. Come on, it looks hilarious. It’s the same concept as Supersize me, except with pot.

next up…
Star Trek, yup, the 2009 one. It rocked hard in the theatre and is going to rock hard on TV tonight

but I’m not done yet…
Cashback. Ya, it looks bad, but it falls within my life’s theme {An aspiring artist develops insomnia and takes a night-shift job at a store. He soon discovers that he can freeze time and begins disrobing customers. }

then… I know, yet more
a music documentary of some sort

I have 2 bottles of wine and a few cans of cider left, that should get me till dawn… and if I haven’t jumped off my balcony due to complete delirium… I have a shit load of 3 Stooges I PVRed.

Then I should be all fresh and zombie like and ready to edit again.

Screw you insomnia.

Love Lizzie

Contrary to belief

Apparently…. I can grow tomatoes on my balcony. I wasn’t sure it could be done, my balcony gets minimal sunshine. Though they have taken longer than most tomatoes, they are starting to get ripe! YEAH ME!

The top photo was from yesterday and the one below it from today. Here’s hoping in a couple of days I can eat that baby!!! I’ve also added a few others just below that. At least my balcony makes me happy.

Perspective

When you looked at me
I fell… hard
Breath released
I gasped, desperate
Clinging

We falter sideways
Finding solitude
Soulless eyes
Carnivorous hunger
Unreachable temptation

Salvation, milked
Turning over, then under
Wasteful hours
Spent searching
Hunger pains

Filled glass jar
Coal black irises
Shaking hands
Washed emotions
Me, staring into your eyes

insomnia… day 3

Dear Brain,

Stop obsessing about things, people and situations that clearly don’t matter. Get your priorities straight! The first one, sleep…

Yours,
Frustrated and exhausted Lizzie.

Random thoughts….

What the hell is dry mopping and doesn’t that defeat the purpose?

Why aren’t there any Scottish Pubs in Toronto? Why do the Irish get to have all the fun…

How can you sound like a broken record? If it’s broken… you shouldn’t be able to play it.

What the hell is wrong with Kermit the Frog? You have this hot, curvy blond that is infatuated with you, yet you continue to run away.

Why is it if I use my knowledge of what to do during a Zombie Apocalypse I can figure shit out, but when I use simple logic, I screw my life up.

How many morons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who ever invented duct tape is a f*cking genius.

Why don’t men make passes at women who wear glasses. Afraid they are too smart for you? Nerds are hot!

Why is it that the nonsensical conversations I have with people are the only ones that make sense?

WWLD

Lemmy is GOD!

Elvis isn’t dead. He was abducted by aliens.

Why am I funnier on Twitter?

I wish someone would come to my place and cook me a meal for a change.

I still think boys with tattoos are hot and you can’t change my mind!

Smiki logic works in almost every situation.

Yes… I’m drinking alone and weird things are happening in my head right now. Seriously, I’m delirious and shouldn’t be left to my own thoughts.

TBC

Because I can… {responses below}

There really should be a special section of Craigslist for people like me… am in one of those moods (as in I may start drinking soon) and couldn’t help myself. Like my Zombie Girl dating ad I placed over a year ago, I’m taking bets on how many serious responses I get. Trust me… there will be someone out there who actually thinks this is for reals…

… At least I made myself laugh for two minutes.

Here it is. I placed it in Missed Connections…

Wanna team up? – w4m
Date: 2011-08-17, 11:08AM EDT
Reply to:

You: 5’8″, handsome. Dark curly hair, haunting dark brown eyes. A smile that could end a million year war. You were wearing a white t-shirt, jeans, carrying a machete and a sawed off shot gun. You were covered in blood and Zombie bits.

Me: 5’8″, curvy. Red hair, part hair dye, part Zombie brain remnants. I was wearing a Smith’s t-shirt, rolled up jeans and boots, carrying a AK47 and a satchel of food.

Last seen: Bloor line, underground tunnel – somewhere between Spadina and Bathurst. I went east, you went west.

Let’s team up and fight these Zombies together. I’m almost out of bullets and have food. You look hungry and seem handy with that machete.

PostingID: 2551408975

/ps here is the link. Not sure how long it will stay live. Am sure it will get flagged soon as not being a real ad…

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/mis/2551408975.html

Responses Below

Thought i’d never hear from you again…food is scarce in these parts..
I might have grown a few inches since the last time we met, but i’m sure you’ll be able to recognize me.
I’m holed up in the west, in Etobicoke, have enough food for a few days more and then I must venture out or be too weak to keep up.

My machete stinks of rotting flesh and coupled with the cries and moans of the dead, it really is hard getting any rest at all. I can grab an AK off a dead soldier on my way to you, if he hasn’t ‘woken up’
already but I fear it might only slow me down. The machete is, after all, my weapon of choice.

next response

First of all; best post ever! Secondly, get out.of the tunnel quick. You can get quickly surrounded and outnumbered.