Month: October 2011

That was an interesting night…

Exhausted! And not because fun was had, no… no fun here and of course the events of last night… DID NOT HELP!  This blog post comes to you courtesy of my adventures with one very drunk, very angry, very possessive woman… and from a Northern Ontario number.

First came the hang-ups. After number 5 or 6 I finally had to turn my phone off.  This now adding to my sleeplessness, because I became paranoid that my only working alarm… on my phone may not go off and what if there is an emergency and someone was trying to get a hold of me? My alarm went off, but after 3 hours sleep, I wanted to throw my phone against the wall.

Did I mention I’m exhausted?  After stumbling to the shower, trying to wake myself up, I now have a cup of coffee in hand and turned my phone back on to see what else to expect… golly gee… of course there is more.  3 very nasty voicemails.  Thank the gods my phone plan only allows 3 of them, I can just imagine!!!  But, it get’s better… oh… it truly does…

These were the best drunk, angry, crazy ass bitch voicemails EVER!  EVER!

  • They took place at either a party or a bar, familiar loud music was playing in the background.
  • One of the voicemails even had you tag teaming with one of your girlfriends.  Rather drunk girlfriends I might add.  Who by the way, was so incoherent, I hope you sent her home in a cab.
  • One took place in the bar/party’s bathroom cause… the toilet flushing… NICE TOUCH!
  • The second call, which led to the third I’m sure… the message part stopped abruptly when the person you were so angrily calling about started having a conversation with YOU!  At this point of the game, you should have turned your phone off.  Instead, I’m assuming you put the phone on the table and I got to hear your conversation.  It may have been for my ears, cause yes, I recognized the voice.  Bravo to you {sarcasm font needed here}!!!
  • The third call, with all the laughing in the background.  I think you’ve found your calling… YOU are your friends entertainment!

Just a few pointers for you, for the next time you decide to go all crazy ass bitch on someone.

  • You can actually trace cell phones to the city they are registered in.  So ya, I know what Northern, Ontario city this came from.
  • The ‘man’ you kept referring to… Honey, he’s all yours.  Keep him, because trust me, when I start getting crazy ass bitch calls because of a man… he’s not worth my bother.  As a matter of fact, keep him there!  Let him entertain YOU for a while.
  • You might want to block your number next time, cause, well… now that I have it.   I will be calling you at 3… 4… 5 am, FROM A BLOCKED number.
  • NOTE to the guy… You might want to be careful where you leave your cell.  Apparently crazy ass bitches like to snoop.  I shouldn’t even be helping you out here but…

Grow Your Own Boyfriend

Yesterday I had my annual Happy Thanks Ghouling.  Some of my favourite Ghouls and Boils were here including MY DEALING.  Michelle a.k.a MY DEALING brought me the best hostest gift I’ve ever gotten.  A ‘Watch it Grow Boyfriend’. Since receiving him, I’ve been putting a lot of thought into it.  I mean really, there are a tonne of advantages of having a boyfriend I CAN grow and guess what… I made a list.

1.  I never have to date AGAIN!  If I need male companionship… put my ‘Watch it Grow Boyfriend’ in water, poof.  Instant boyfriend.

2.  According to the packaging, he’ll think I’m hot, never hit on my best friend, will talk to me on the phone for hours AND will actually NOT be terrified to introduce me to his friends as… his girlfriend.

3. He won’t snore or hog the bed.

4. He will NEVER argue with you, if he does, back in the package he goes.

5. Won’t eat off your plate and you’ll never have to feed him.

6. He won’t pee in the shower or all over the toilet seat.

7.  The toilet seat will always be down.

8. He will always be on time.

9. They won’t talk through movies, eat all the popcorn or judge you for your ‘bad movie nights’.

10.  I never have to worry if they are going to actually call back… ‘I’ll call you later babe,’  will be a thing of the past.

11.  Did I mention they will never hit on your best friend…

DISADVANTAGE – They don’t come with a penis, but I have a strap on for that…

Girl Bands… Boy Bands and Vegan Thanks Ghouling

Have you looked outside yet… it’s stunning! The entire weekend will be and after two months of suffering from depression, I’m FINALLY feeling like my evil, naughty ole self.  It took a visit with my parents, realizations about the kind of people I want in my life and the love of a couple human Kitty Kats to finally snap me out of it.  Actually, the love of a couple human Kitty Kats who never judge, love life and hell… I’m doing it… saying it…. ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!’

A bunch of amazing stuff has happened this week and a few not so amazing.  The awesome, Nuit Blanche, TT with Kat performing, and I’m now helping out with a festival project that makes me grin’n ear to ear happy!  One of my lovely Kitty Kat’s, Kat, is part of the Love & Obsession Theatre Festival.  She introduced me to the organizer and I’m now helping out with promotion. Kat will be remounting A Depper Kind Of Love and that alone makes me smile!  I’ve also been working my arse off on a column idea I have and will hopefully be submitting it soon for consideration, have met some absolutely amazing people over the last 2 weeks and made some great connections.  Things are really looking up again!  Aside from the couple things that happened in the last few days, things that caused me unnecessary stress, the dark clouds have lifted.  It all comes down to wishing people would think before they speak or text.  Words can be painful and once said or texted, can’t be undone, no matter how sincere the apology.  I’m like an elephant and remember those words.  I’m trying not to dwell and will hopefully turn the negative into the positive.  Sometimes walking away from people and situations is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Now onto girl bands.  Tonight I’m heading out for a girls night.  Though still stink ass broke, I can’t hide in my apartment.  I need to be out and participating in life.  Enjoying it, eating it up!  It was brought to my attention, that tonight, I will be hanging with Kat, Cathy and Cathy….  Joking I started coming up with band names… this had everyone else… coming up with band names.  Kat and the Cathy’s all have musical talent and if I’d get off my arse and re-learn the guitar… well…. For now, we will just go out, drink our faces off and drool over boys.  Maybe we will come up with a song about going out, drinking and drooling over boys… Oh dear… I really do feel the beginnings of a Girl Band…

Tomorrow’s gonna hurt…but really, who cares.  It’s Vegan Thanks Ghouling and I get to see some of my favourite Ghouls and my Dealing!  Tofurkey, Halloween and Booze all go hand in hand with what tomorrow stands for.

Ok.. back to it.  I have work to do… pies to bake!

Nuit Blanche

I’m exhausted.  I just want to crawl into a ball on my couch, cover myself with the threadbare quilt my grandma made me and watch movies all day.  I will in a few hours, some work must be done, errands run. I’m exhausted but last night was worth it.  5 hours of wandering, watching, wishing.

The last few years that I’ve attended Nuit Blanche I never made it as far as the West End.  I always concentrated on Midtown/Downtown and a bit of the east.  This year I promised myself to go west first, over and over I’d heard about all the brilliant installations in Parkdale and needed to take that route on the Nuit Blanche adventure train instead.  Along with the company of the most amazing Cathy McKim, we started our night at the Vaudeville Hotel- A Burlesque World Record  Marathon and a marathon it was.

I love everything there is to love about Burlesque.  What I love the most are the sexy ladies, ladies that come in all shapes and sizes.  Ladies who are proud of their bodies and shake, shimmy and strip with amour for a seductive style of entertainment, that has taken over our city, thanks to people like Chris Mysterion, Tanya Cheex and troupes like Skin Tight Outta Site and Glamour Puss Burlesque.  Hosted by the ever Ghoulish Mullet the Clown, the non stop flow of Burlesque, magicians and musical acts, such as The Howling Bullets, had Cathy and I spending a good chunk of time at the Gladstone.  But, it wasn’t just about the Burlesque Marathon.

On the 2nd/3rd and 4th floors there were art installations.  However, it was something on the second floor that blew us both away.  Everyone who knows me well, loves my quirky little obsessions.  One of them is my passion for silent movies and the Edwardian/Flapper era.  I collect silent movies and though my collection is still quite small, it is dear to my heart.  Who knows, maybe in a past life I was a silent film actress.  One of the installations we saw was a 6 minute movie called The Roots Of The Tree.  An experimental film by director Britt Randle.  In the style of a silent movie, it was beautiful and haunting.  So haunting, Cathy and I talked about it all night.  It was the best 6 minutes I’ve spent in a very long time!  I would love to find out more about this director!

After a pit stop at Baccus Roti (finally filling my Roti craving) we made it to my next favourite installation on our 5 hour journey that never left Parkdale… Bondage Art at 442 Dufferin Street. After waiting for about 30 minutes in the chilly air to get in, we entered a room of rope bondage, some soft core S&M and beautiful art.  The room was packed with art lovers and photographers, though it was really hard to move around, it was so worth it.  I would liked to have stayed longer, we got there as they had finished the process and were untying everyone, but we wanted to get back to the Gladstone to see more Burlesque and hopefully see more installations.

Even thought the evening was amazing, there was a disappointment. I wanted to see the Guillotine installation, but when we got there, it was nowhere to be found.  When I arrived home, I looked it up, apparently there was a whole slew of installations in the alley the runs behind the Gladstone and that was one of them.  Too bad the information pamphlet we had didn’t indicate this, otherwise we would have wandered back there.  This was one of my irks the last time I did Nuit Blanche and is a continuing pet peeve.  They need to be a bit more specific.  I know Nuit Blanche is supposed to be a bit of an adventure, but the crowds are missing out on installations.  Cathy and I found a few by mere serendipity.  Had we not questioned a few opens doors and wandered in, we would have missed out on some amazing art.

All in all, it was the best 5 hours I’ve spent in a long time.  Had the weather been more co-operative, I may have lasted a few more hours and gotten to a few more of my friends installations, but the chill got in and the steam blew out.  I love this city for events like these and hope we continue to fight against the rats at city hall. This city is  filled with incredibly talented musicians, actors, artists, writers, poets.  We are all here to live our dream, please don’t take this away from us. Though Nuit Blanche is still an event in it’s infancy, I can’t image it no longer existing.  The first weekend of October wouldn’t be the same.