I don’t want to be that girl. You know the one. She complains about how depressed she is all the time. Even mentioning it once makes me feel like I’ve crossed that line. Instead I’m that girl who puts on the brave face, pretends to be ok and rarely asks for help. I was raised to be tough, independent, to nut up or shut up, you don’t cry unless there is a really good reason, you aren’t allowed to be another’s burden. So in general I keep my mouth shut and carry on. After the last week and a bit of being depressed and the insomnia, I think I have to cross that line.
I think this hits hardest to those who are on their own. I swear if it wasn’t for Sara messaging me several times a day last week and her birthday party on Saturday, I would have barely had any human contact at all. Trust me I tried, but am of course one of those people who has a hell of a time asking for help. Just asking for company alone, when I’m like this is hard and when you continually get shot down, well, it doesn’t help matters. It sure as hell puts your life into perspective though.
I’m tired of everyone blowing me off because they figure, ‘she’s strong, she can take it, she will figure it out on her own.’ Even the ones you think are tough, need some human compassion, tenderness and consideration once in a while. And while you are at it, respect! I’m not a robot! Stop taking me for granted!
Unless something turns around soon, I’m fully expecting another week of the same. Me not leaving my apartment, not sleeping, hermitting. A combination of yesterday’s storm and hearing the news about Jack Layton, has put a lot into perspective. Life is too fucking short. I should be a priority and not an option. Sadly to a few I am the latter, so I guess it’s time I stop making them a priority as well.
I’m going to try to pull myself out of this and get on with it. I have a lot of good things going on in my life. I get to do what I love, though the of lack of $$$ is constantly adding to my stress, at least being able to follow my passion is helping. Being in this involuntary solitary confinement has at least given me a lot of time to get work done.
It’s time to stop obsessing about the things and people who don’t deserve it and concentrate on the things and people who do.