Month: November 2011

Do over…

In the last few weeks, I’ve been asking the Universe for a do over.  Certain aspects of my life haven’t been going as I would like them to and as a good friend has told me over and over, when you put what you want out to the Universe, you will get it. Of course, be careful what you wish for…

Has the Universe been listening, it most certainly has, and I seem to be getting second chances in my personal life and things are beginning to fall in place, though slowly, in my career as a writer/editor/pr person.  I received a much needed grant, jobs are coming in, I am rebuilding… but the Universe doesn’t seem to want me to get things easily.  Anything I’ve ever wanted in my life I’ve had to work for and work hard. I guess the Universe figures I have strong shoulders.  I’m tired of having strong shoulders.  I’m tired of working hard.

When the proverbial car is finally purring like a well fed kitten… the wrench magically finds it’s way into the gears…

… possible jury duty…

… computer  death and unexpected costs..

Jury duty… not so bad.  It’s an education and experience that I can use in my writing and now knowing my contract job will pay me if I get chosen, that stress is now gone.  I’m ok if I get picked, as a matter of fact PICK ME PICK ME!  But.. but… and here is where I get ferclempt…  after a lovely Friday night… I woke up to a dead computer… dead… done.. finito.  The hard-drive crashed, for reasons still unknown.  The hard-drive that contains all my files.  Files that are my writing.  Everything else I can rebuild.  Photos are on Facebook. Databases, address books, lists, though work, can be rebuilt… Editing, I can be resent the last versions of.  PR stuff, if need be can be redone.  But my writing.  The possible loss of my writing is making me sad and ill to my stomach.

Though my gut was telling me the day before, it was time to back-up, I didn’t.  8 months of new creations and revisions of older stories were on my computer.  I am kicking myself daily for not listening to my gut, a gut that is ALWAYS right!  The computer is being fixed, I’ve bought an external hard-drive so it doesn’t happen again the data can be recovered, for a cost.  A very, very expensive cost.

I’ve been calling around for quotes and have discovered, data recovery people… take advantage of those of us in a desperate situation.  Quotes beginning at $1000 is making me wonder, how badly I want my work back.  Getting a few files back… shouldn’t equal rent.  I don’t have $1000.  I can barely pay my bills as is.  I may have to admit, my writing is lost and start from scratch.  Maybe this is the Universe telling me all of this stuff wasn’t good enough and it needs to be redone the right way.

Everything that has happened to me in the last few weeks has also made me realize, I need to also make some other changes in my life.  I need to accept that come spring, I have to work part-time to keep above water and I will need to change my living situation.  Though I love my place, I need to be downtown and I need to live with a roommate.  The life of an artist, doesn’t have to be a starving one!

After all of this, I am finally getting the message.  I’m being given a do over, but am expected to do it correctly this time.  If I’m going to work so hard for something, I’d better make it worth my while as this might be the only do over I get.

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Brave New World…

Recently I did something that’s been scaring me for a really, really long time. Something I’d built up in my head to be harder than it really was. Though encouraged by others I put it off, made excuses and ultimately hid from my own creative development. Finally, last Thursday I found my inner balls and did something about it.

I used to be fearless… Any excuse to be on stage, sing out loud or show off to an audience and I was there. One day, during a presentation for work, I was ultimately humiliated in front of my peers by a senior manager and something inside me went into hiding. The thought of revealing my own creations to the pubic caused me panic attacks, stifling the artist in me. I was missing out on something that gave me joy, due the actions of one unimportant person.

It took me months of building up the nerve, but I finally did it. Last Thursday, at The Beautiful and The Damned, I read my work to an audience. 2 poems and a Haiku was all it took to cut the ropes that held me back. I put myself in a situation where I had to nut up, posted on Facebook that I was doing it, told someone to put me on the open mic schedule, friends came out for me. I felt like my entire body was shaking the entire time, but I did it!

Now that I conquered this… What’s next… Wiping out the rest of my fears. No more baby steps. This girl is taking one great big leap forward!