Month: August 2011

Cluster Fuck!

chaotic sleep
heavy, nervous chest
bed more appealing
days restart naught

panicked dreams
palpitating beats
moments of reconsideration
must not falter

sit-up, sigh
sit-up, breath
sit-up, pull back
these covers will not save you

standing erect
finally moving in paces
wet, yellow, foamy dog vomit
wake up call

head connects with freezer door
stars, pain, consider
hit harder
walk away

moving, yet standing still
moving, chest heaving
moving, tunnels colliding
fork in the road

cyberspace hell
messages vanish
24 of nothingness
running running escape

days before here
yesterday’s regrets
images of past darkness
messages of eternity

reinstall, curse, reboot
reinstall, curse, reboot
reinstall, curse, reboot
1500 creeping back

rent must be paid
avenues exhausted
frustration evolving
restructure, rethinking

moving in circles
return to beginning
chipping with patience
failure unforgivable

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Change change change….

Today felt like two steps back…

One of the problems with being a freelance writer/editor, is financially, it can be difficult. I’ve had to do some reviewing of my financial situation. Ugg! Why can’t someone just drop a large bag of money at my door! That’d be schweet. Since that isn’t going to happen anytime soon, it’s time to tighten the belt, cancel unnecessary expenses (oh netflix how I’m going to miss you) and consider other, temporary means of income… meaning I think I have to go back to bar-tending or gulp, waitressing to supplement my income. I’ve given myself a deadline. I have till the end of October to be generating enough income as a freelance artist to survive, and if not, the hunt for part-time work will have to commence. I’m even considering moving and sharing accommodations if need be. I’d prefer it didn’t come down to me having to do that, but… what’s a girl going to do.

In the meantime, I am figuring out how to do things for either free… or minimal cost.

I have to breath… it will all work itself out. It always does…

Enough is enough…

I need to pull myself out of this funk. Enough is enough. After a conversation yesterday, about swimming with sharks, then watching Jaws again, I realized, they don’t just roll over and die. As a matter of a fact if a shark smells blood, it will seek it out till it finds it. There are things in this life that I want, and I need to be the shark if I’m going to get them.

So…

I’m going to pull my sorry ass together, download the slush pile to my e-reader and go find a patio and read. A beer in my hand and the sun on my skin is what this girl needs right now. I also need a million dollars, but one goal at a time.

This morning as I lay in bed, not sleeping and frustrated, I realized part of my depression this week, has been due to me putting up with other peoples BS, issues and paranoia. I can’t do that anymore. Love and respect need to be earned and not taken for granted. I’ve allowed people to take me for granted for too long. I’m too accommodating and I just can’t any longer.

Before I can go outside, I need to get some editing done. Music always makes me happy, so I have Pat Benetar blasting in the background. She is a sweet little kick in the ass.

Will the storm clouds ever lift…

I don’t want to be that girl. You know the one. She complains about how depressed she is all the time. Even mentioning it once makes me feel like I’ve crossed that line. Instead I’m that girl who puts on the brave face, pretends to be ok and rarely asks for help. I was raised to be tough, independent, to nut up or shut up, you don’t cry unless there is a really good reason, you aren’t allowed to be another’s burden. So in general I keep my mouth shut and carry on. After the last week and a bit of being depressed and the insomnia, I think I have to cross that line.

I think this hits hardest to those who are on their own. I swear if it wasn’t for Sara messaging me several times a day last week and her birthday party on Saturday, I would have barely had any human contact at all. Trust me I tried, but am of course one of those people who has a hell of a time asking for help. Just asking for company alone, when I’m like this is hard and when you continually get shot down, well, it doesn’t help matters. It sure as hell puts your life into perspective though.

I’m tired of everyone blowing me off because they figure, ‘she’s strong, she can take it, she will figure it out on her own.’ Even the ones you think are tough, need some human compassion, tenderness and consideration once in a while. And while you are at it, respect! I’m not a robot! Stop taking me for granted!

Unless something turns around soon, I’m fully expecting another week of the same. Me not leaving my apartment, not sleeping, hermitting. A combination of yesterday’s storm and hearing the news about Jack Layton, has put a lot into perspective. Life is too fucking short. I should be a priority and not an option. Sadly to a few I am the latter, so I guess it’s time I stop making them a priority as well.

I’m going to try to pull myself out of this and get on with it. I have a lot of good things going on in my life. I get to do what I love, though the of lack of $$$ is constantly adding to my stress, at least being able to follow my passion is helping. Being in this involuntary solitary confinement has at least given me a lot of time to get work done.

It’s time to stop obsessing about the things and people who don’t deserve it and concentrate on the things and people who do.

It’s too early for this…

Bizarre conversations that happen in the elevator of my building. {I need to start recording these and do a book} Ok.. this one wasn’t as bizarre as most, just one of the more skeezie ones. You had to be there and this requires a comic strip… wait a minute… that gives me an idea.

First off… I got in the elevator, pushed my floor… but it proceeded to go to the penthouse. Mr. MoMo get’s in, some other random guy I’ve never seen before gets in. Random guy keeps giving the skeezie up and down action with is eyes… well you get the picture.

Mr. Momo: Good Morning Beautiful.
Me: Good Morning Gorgeous, only one dog?
Mr. Momo: Hubs took the other two out. Turns to random guy, (who is holding bags) grocery shopping?
Random Guy: {looks me up and down} Going to buy meat and beer.
Me: {under my breath, but Mr. Momo heard it} Gross.
Mr. Momo: Meat?
Random Guy: Ya, am having a BBQ, you guys should come.
Mr. Momo: When are you having it?
Random Guy: Tonight, am buying a couple really big steaks. Red… you wanna come?
Me: {Rolls eyes} Sorry I don’t do BBQ’s. (I do, but this guy is sleazy)
Mr. Momo: Ah yes, you don’t eat meat.
Random Guy: She’s doesn’t eat meat?
Mr. Momo: She’s Vegan.
Random Guy: You don’t look Vegan.
Me: {shot him a look with lazer eyes} What’s that supposed to mean? {Normally at this point I actually explain to people that Vegan’s don’t just eat veggies and air, peoples perceptions are wrong, but I just wanted to get the hell out of the elevator}
Random Guy: You aren’t all skinny and starving looking.
Me: {sarcasm font} No I eat quite well, thx…
Mr. Momo: And she’s gorgeous.
Me: Thx Mr. Momo.
Random Guy: {as I’m getting off the elevator} and you have a nice ass.
{shiver} …

On a positive note… I apparently have a nice ass….

and you know my luck… every time I get on the elevator.. he’ll be there. UGG! Solution, I need to figure out how to afford to buy a house. It might mean having a roommate so I can afford to actually live… but am starting to reconsider this again…

I’m going to take advantage of you insomnia

Dear Netflix,

I’ve made a very important decision. Bleary eyed and possibly delirious, you are my reliable friend who will help me through the night.

Since this evil co-hort, I like to call asshell is stalking me and tormenting me as I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling begging to be left alone, I am going to attack this a different way. Yup. I have a plan.

I figure by 11ish I will have drained my brain of any coherent words that are still wandering around in there. There is a bottle of wine in the fridge with my name on it. {anyone about to tell me I shouldn’t drink alone, screw you, unless you plan to come and drink with me at 2 am, shuttie!}

Now here is where you come in Netflix. Are you ready. I have a long list of movies we are going to watch together, rather I’ll be watching on you, but… I digress…

First up…
Super High Me. Come on, it looks hilarious. It’s the same concept as Supersize me, except with pot.

next up…
Star Trek, yup, the 2009 one. It rocked hard in the theatre and is going to rock hard on TV tonight

but I’m not done yet…
Cashback. Ya, it looks bad, but it falls within my life’s theme {An aspiring artist develops insomnia and takes a night-shift job at a store. He soon discovers that he can freeze time and begins disrobing customers. }

then… I know, yet more
a music documentary of some sort

I have 2 bottles of wine and a few cans of cider left, that should get me till dawn… and if I haven’t jumped off my balcony due to complete delirium… I have a shit load of 3 Stooges I PVRed.

Then I should be all fresh and zombie like and ready to edit again.

Screw you insomnia.

Love Lizzie