Writing

“Oh Hi Mark” and why The Room is the best movie of all time

“There are people who have seen The Room and those who haven’t seen The Room.” Neil Traynor

*** There will be spoilers.***

I love terrible movies.  They are my happy place.  The schlockier the movie the happier I am. I show no prejudice for genres and have watched them all from horror to sci-fi to romantic; silent; film noir; b-movies; romance; expressionist; westerns and comedy. If it’s considered a badly made movie, I want to see it. My current two favourites are Plan 9 From Outer Space and The Screaming Skull.  In my heart of hearts I never thought any movie could knock either of those off the top of my list. Who could possibly beat Ed Woods and take his title? Always up for a bad movie challenge,  I was ready, willing and open to seeing if this could take the reigns.

For MONTHS now, our good friend Neil Traynor (1) has been telling us about The Room, insistent that once we watch it, we would never be the same again. Finally we were able to arrange a viewing and as Neil said, it was life changing. It might actually be the best movie of all time. How could this be, you ask? The Room has it all. Love, sex, romance,  action, violence, blood, family values, long drawn out sex scenes, drug intervention, x-files style disappearance of actors, belly button fucking, more long, drawn out sex scenes and best of all, no plot.

I’m serious.  There is no plot. None. Nada. Zilch. Zero! Not only is there no plot, I personally feel that one of the reasons this movie has become such a cult hit, is you cannot, in anyway, describe to someone what the storyline is. There is an amazing Wikipedia page that has a very thorough breakdown of the movie, the characters, many of the issues with the movie and the production of The Room.  However, even after reading the page, you still have no idea what exactly this movie is about.  You just need to watch it.

The Room is Tommy Wiseau’s directorial debut and what a debut it is.  Oh… did I mention that he also produced it, wrote it and stars in it.  Mr. Wiseau is a bit of a mystery man himself. He is famous for keeping his past and personal life secret.  Even the Wikipedia page about Tommy Wiseau, doesn’t reveal very much. Who is this mystery man? Is he even real? A figment of our imagination?  Only way to find out, is to attend one of the many Love is Blind events happening across North America.  If it comes to Toronto or even a city near here, I will be first in line to get tickets.  After all, I need to know why Tommy Wiseau wears two belts. Although… he does have his own YouTube channel, called Tommy Explains It All (https://www.youtube.com/user/TommyExplainsItAll), yet… he explains nothing.  

Social Media platforms such as YouTube and Facebook have helped The Room’s infamy grow.

There are many memes.

121

Quotes 

Osama-says-hi-hi-world-песочница-363915

Montages

and videos of critique.

 

All of this is helping to keep The Room alive. You could literally spend hours, hell, even days watching the many videos being created to celebrate this cult hit.  Oh, and I can’t forget there is a Star Wars Mashup!

The Room has a huge cult following and fan-base.  It also has  a play, a book , a video game,  a Facebook page dedicated to it, a-soon-to-be-released mocumentary, a documentary called Room Full Of Spoons and there is a movie being made about it, that James Franco is producing, directing, writing and starring in.  Sound familiar! How did this movie become such a huge hit?  It rivals movies such as Plan 9 and it’s huge fan base is dedicated and steadily growing. It is a phenomena with many, many unanswered questions.  Like the ones I have, such as:

What happened to Peter the psychologist?
Where can I rent that green screen?
Where can I find that 1880’s industrial shot?
How can it be sunny and smoggy at the same time?
Where did that new guy come from?
Will Denny survive without Johnny?
Will Lisa ever find love again?
Did Claudette survive the breast cancer?

Sooooooo many questions!

Back to my opening statement about this movie possibly being the best movie of all time.  Let’s take a moment to think about this. When I say best movie of all time, what I mean is best terrible movie of all time. When I watched it, I laughed till I was laugh crying.  I was laugh crying till my stomach hurt so bad, that I thought I was going to throw up. We discussed this movie indepth, for hours afterwards, my love and I talked about it as we were going to sleep and woke up talking about it.  All of our conversations for the next several hours have been dominated by it AND we have been quoting the movie. I have spend all of my time researching the movie, Tommy Wiseau and am agonizing over what happened to the actors, needing answers to my questions and searching to find out if a “Love is Blind” event is coming to a place near us. I have been feeling all of the emotions you would after seeing a movie that blows your mind.

How does this movie compare to my current top favourites Plan 9 From Outer Space and Screaming Skull?  The Room is definitely comparable in cult status to both these movies and over the top in terrible. Does it knock either of them off the top.  No, but it definitely ties for top spot.

You have to see this movie. It was even shot so you can watch it 2D or 3D. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V10Px9xbrbU Apparently it wasn’t shot to be a 3D movie, Tommy Wiseau just decided to shoot with two cameras, because he could.  When you watch the movie, don’t forget to say hi to Mark.

(1) Neil Traynor is a Toronto born singer/songwriter guitarist/multi-instrumentalist.

spork

Arlene Paculan and Lizzie Violet have been nominated for NOW Magazine’s Readers Poll

pleasevote

Arlene Paculan and Lizzie Violet have been nominated for NOW Magazine’s Readers Poll. Past winners of The Best Original’s Musician (Arlene) and Best Original’s Spoken Word (Lizzie), we would be so very grateful if you would vote for us!

Arlene Paculan was nominated for Best Songwriter and I was nominated for both Best Spoken Word and Best Poet.

Voting closes September 18. Check out the results November 5.

Arlene Paculan‘s nomination — http://bestof.nowtoronto.com/2015/nominees.cfm?category=152&subcategory=1368]

Lizzie Violet‘s nomination — http://bestof.nowtoronto.com/2015/nominees.cfm?category=154&subcategory=1374]

http://bestof.nowtoronto.com/2015/nominees.cfm?category=154&subcategory=1372]

A little bit about us.

Arlene Paculan creates soulful pop with passion. The Filipino-Canadian’s recent successful debut album, “Everything Begins with Love” has been embraced by Canada’s largest broadcaster, the CBC, with airplay on radio. Arlene was interviewed with producer Sandy Mowat, on the popular radio show “Fresh Air” and was selected as a featured artist by Mark Rheaume (CBC National Music Director).

Arlene has graced many stages across Toronto, including The Gladstone Hotel, Yonge & Dundas Square and Mississauga Celebration Square. In addition to her performances around the GTA, she has also performed in LA, NYC, Anaheim, Halifax, Vancouver, Edmonton, Winnipeg, Ottawa, and Montreal. In 2012, Arlene played at TD Toronto Jazz Festival and she will be performing again at the 2015 season for the full length of the festival at Habits Gastropub. She has opened for Canadian songstress Jill Barber, as part of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebration and performed at the Beaches International Jazz Street Fest.

Arlene is a graduate of the Randolph Academy for the Performing Arts in Toronto and also studied piano through the Royal Conservatory of Music. Arlene plays cover songs from 1930s to the present, but it is as a singer songwriter that she has made her name in Toronto. Her debut EP album “I’m Worth It” was released under the production team, Kuya Productions. Rob Rapiti from BLR Entertainment has described her voice as “haunting, yet passionate”. Who knew such a ‘beautiful, natural singing voice’ could come from such a shy little girl who used to whisper in conversation growing up?

Before songwriting, Arlene has graced the stage as an actress, garnering the roles in such plays and musicals as Juliet (Romeo & Juliet), Nancy (Oliver), Rizzo (Grease), Laurey (Oklahoma), Kate (Shotgun Wedding), Puck (A Midsummer Night’s Dream), Tiger Lily (Peter Pan), and Josie Pye (Anne of Green Gables).

Arlene is also a TV personality who has appeared in several Canadian TV shows and on stage and is a music promoter whose WonderFest tour showcases local talent and offers free workshops to all ages. For this, she was awarded 2014’s Hazel McCallion Volunteer of the Year MARTY Award in acknowledgment of her work encouraging others to take up music and learn to write songs or do anything creative in their daily lives.

* * *

“Love the groove, love the singing. There’s an effortlessness & natural song personality [in her singing]”
-Dan Hill – internationally renowned Canadian Singer-Songwriter

“[She has] a beautiful voice, really, really nice singing voice.”- Grant Lawrence of @[NjQyMTgzOTU5MjA4MTA3Omh0dHBcYS8vY2JjcmFkaW8zLmNvbS86Og==:cbcradio3.com]

“I liked the song “Closer to You” a lot. I really liked “Get Over yourself” also. Very cool!”
-Bif Naked – Juno Award Winner and Canadian Artist

YouTube: @[NjQyMTgzOTU5MjA4MTA3Omh0dHBcYS8vd3d3LnlvdXR1YmUuY29tL2FwYWN1bGFuOjo=:www.youtube.com/apaculan]

Writer, editor, Spoken Word artist, and playwright, Lizzie Violet is known for her dark themes of poetry, prose and storytelling, Lizzie has been performing her Spoken Word on stages across Toronto for the past five years and has featured at Wordspell, Livewords, The Beautiful & The Damned and Wonder Women IV and V, Free Times Best of Open Stage, Pride, Plasticine, Secret Handshake Gallery, The Redhead Revue and Nuit Blanche. She recently won the top poet award at The Best Originals for her original work.

Lizzie is a former editor for Tightrope Books (Fatty Goes to China by Royston Tester and several editions of The Best Canadian Essays) and Books of the Dead Press (Best New Werewolf Tales, Volume One). She is currently working on a multi-media Spoken Word performance, a poetry manuscript and a radio play.

For more information about Lizzie Violet, ironic anecdotes and upcoming listings please check out her blog, @[NjQyMTgzOTU5MjA4MTA3Omh0dHBcYS8vbGl6emlldmlvbGV0LndvcmRwcmVzcy5jb20vOjo=:lizzieviolet.wordpress.com.]

Her poetry has been published in the below magazines.

Chlamydia Is Not a Flower – CAROUSEL 30/31
Woman of Strength and Faithless – Northword (June 2013)
The Hum After – The Big Art Book 2013
She Dances The Banda – Nest 2013
Freedom & Choice – The Quilliad October 2013

Spring Has Sprung?

There is a lot of awesome happening in the month of April. Along with some exciting co-writing projects, I have a feature!   I really hope the weather catches on that it is finally SPRING!  We all need to get out of hibernation mode and check out all the amazing shows happening! xo

Lizzie Violet’s Cabaret Noir – Featuring June Morrow, Dan Thompson & The Vaudevillian

https://www.facebook.com/events/589280287875564/605149576288635/

lvcnapr2015
Spring Fling at Hirut – Featuring Michael Oesch, Marcy Rogers, Lizzie Violet & Allen Rex

https://www.facebook.com/events/348503428679075/

SFatHAprilbanner

Secret Handshake Gallery (feature)

https://www.facebook.com/events/960647670620812/
READING 2

Rainbows and Carousels (The 1000 word challenge)

Kat Leonard asked us to join her in this 1000 word challenge.  Although I gave myself a deadline for Sunday, I was able to finish this short story today.  Also included in the challenge was Life With More Cowbell. I have posted both of their story links and the original challenge link at the bottom of my story.

~~

Rainbows and Carousels

alone-on-the-playground

No se mueva. Mama estará de regreso en un minuto.

Cicada’s were singing, their voices drifting high up into the mango trees.  The fruit so ripe that the pungency of the pregnant yellow fruit, floated through the air like humming birds seeking out nectar.  Beneath the largest of the trees was a rusting carousel, a retired antique from the 1950‘s. The tree branches low enough to the ground that customers entering the bodega would often pick them. 

Leaning against the carousel, a five year old Marlena fidgets with a nervous twitch that annoys her already agitated mother.

“Why can you not sit still?  Be patient for your poor Mama.  I will only be a minute.”
“Mama, I don’t like to stay here.”
“Do as you are told, I will only be a minute.” Marlena knew this was not so.  Her mother was never just… a minute. Never even just an hour.  Today she would be forever.

Absent-minded, she brushes Marlena’s hair away from her face, fixing her pony-tail, kisses her on the forehead before walking toward the bus stop.  Marlena silently watches, as her mother boards the bus.

Even at 9 am, the heat was making vapour shadows on the pavement. Marlena had already drank half of her bottled water.  A bottle her mother filled and froze each night, in hope that the melting ice would slow Marlena from drinking the water too quickly.   The Cuban sun had other ideas, it’s scorching heat setting fire to the already humid air, the condensation evaporated from the one litre bottle, before the drops had run down the entire length of  it.  With each drink of water, the melting ice scraped against the inside of the plastic, a muted warning that she must save the water for the hottest parts of the day.

Rita was only fifteen when she had Marlena.  A child whose family came from generations of farmers, Rita refused to live the same life.  Hands calloused, sore muscles and sun hardened skin was not the picture she painted for herself.  She wasn’t going to spend a life looking at shanty walls, cooking for a labouring husband or wash stains from aged white shirts.  She saw her future as an entertainer in the resorts.  Dreaming that one day, a rich tourist would sweep her away to America. 

Three days after her fifteenth birthday, she found herself getting off a bus, smiling as she welcomed herself to Havana.  After several weeks in the city, her dreams weren’t panning out as she’d hoped.  There were no rich tourists and after being kicked out of a rooming house, found herself hiding in the streets, moving from one rat infested hovel to the next.  Her ‘rich tourist’ left her pregnant, stranded and scared. Her life now consisted of vomiting up morning sickness and stealing fruit from the orchards at night.  

Marlena’s father was a ‘tourist’, staying at one of the five star Playas.  All inclusive Cervezas, slow dancing in a dirty dancehall and promises that only a fifteen year old dreamer would believe. He convinced her that in only ten short days he would whisk her away to the big city, as long as she kept him ‘company’ for his stay.

Each morning before making their walk to the carousel, Rita would fill a knapsack with a one litre bottle of water, several mangos, rice cakes wrapped in banana leaves and four empanadas. Every day, instructions were repeated that the rice and one mango was for breakfast, one empanada and 2 mangos for lunch  and the final two empanadas and any remaining mangos were her dinner. Marlena wasn’t allowed to speak to anyone other than the lady that ran the bodega and if she needed to nap was to crawl into the small space between the back of the tree and the store wall.  Before they left the shanty, Rita pinned a note, written on paper with a rainbow on it, inside Marlena’s shirt.

The old carousel was placed outside of the badego as a tourist attraction. It’s bright colours matching the shingled walls of the building surrounding it. The carousel never worked, most of it’s parts rusted and it’s mechanics seized.  When it first arrived the neighbourhood children would try to make it work, but like the sword embedded in the rock that only King Arthur could release, it never budged. The only reward for trying being a tetanus shot, from the rust splinters that would end up in someones hand.

The woman who ran the bodega would check on Marlena several times through out the day, often bringing her candy or homemade treats.  As she was locking up for the day, she noticed a small shoe sticking out from behind the mango tree. A panic swept over her, Marlena shouldn’t still be there, it’s well past 8 pm and the night was wrapping itself around them.  As she moved closer she could hear Marlena softly crying.  After much coaxing Marlena finally emerged from behind the tree.

Brushing the dirt from Marlena, she notices the safety pin sticking out from Marlena’s t-shirt.  She unpined it and after gently unfolding it, stood up and read the note.

Dear Friend,

 If you are reading my note, I am on a boat to America.  I have gone to find     Marlena’s father and to start a better life for us.  Please take care of her. She is a     good daughter.  When I have      settled, I will send a letter to the lady in the bodega.

Rita

After reading the note, the lady motioned Marlena to come sit on a bench with her, “Marlena, this letter is from your Mama. She says I am to look after you.”
“I know. Are you my new Mama?”
“No, but I can be your abuela.”
Pointing at the rainbow at the top of the paper, Marlene tell’s her, “Mi abuela, rainbows are my favourite.”

~~

Kat Leonard – http://katleonard.com/2013/08/21/resting-on-a-memory/
Life With More Cowbell – http://lifewithmorecowbell.wordpress.com/2013/08/22/writing-challenge-a-picture-paints-1000-words/
Original Challenge – https://lizzieviolet.wordpress.com/2013/08/19/weekly-writing-challenge-1000-words/

When one door closes…

Imagine the opening scene of Get Smart.  Agent 86, walking down that long tunnel, doors slamming down behind him.  Now imagine you’re Agent 86, this is a dream and you wake up in a cold panicked sweat, realizing it’s times to start closing doors.  Doors you are terrified to close. Dreams are a funny deal, you can either try to analyze the shit out of them or take them for what they are, your subconscious smacking you in the ass. In my case, this wasn’t so much a dream, as an epiphany, time to close doors.

My biggest issue is I’m a fixer.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a relationship, friendship or a broken object.  I refuse to give up till all avenues are exhausted, all scenario’s played out, the final straw has been broken.  In doing so, I leave doors open a crack, refusing to believe things can’t change or get better.  The morning I had that dream, I realized I need to stop leaving those doors open.  I need to shut all the partially open doors, move on, get the fuck over it!  I was stagnating myself by letting issues, people and problems hang on.  I couldn’t write, my creative juices had dried up.  I was frustrated, depressed and feeling an overwhelming despair.  I’m a writer who couldn’t write, I’d given up on love for my craft and ever finding love again in my own personal life and this terrified me.   That morning, I took a very deep breath and then I closed all the doors.  Every, last, one.  No one should give up on their dreams and no one should EVER give up on love.

Then it happened.  The awakening.  The opening of the new door. The excitement.  It’s been 6 months since I’ve actually been able to write more than just a few lines and now I can’t write fast enough. I’ve revived a project I had a huge hard on for before all this happened.  I’m finishing off odds and ends that were pushed aside because I’d lost my desire.  I’ve found my will to write again.

Since I’ve started creating again, I’ve started working on my TV series project I’d been conceptualizing.  It’s based on my own life as a single woman.  I figured much of my life is a sitcom anyway, so why not create a TV series about it. I’ve played with the idea for a few years, the Gods know I have enough fodder in my life to fill a few solid seasons, so… write what you know, know what you write. I don’t remember the last time I was this excited, exhilarated, had such a huge boner for a project.  And my boner is massive right now.

I feel like I’m in control again.  Though I don’t know what might be on the other side of the door, I’m walking through it anyway.  I’ve found the ambition that is needed to make my dreams come true and am ready to see if love comes my way.  This girl has opened the door wide and is no longer afraid to leave it all the way open!

2013 Let’s Do This!

flapper2A new year and a new beginning!  I rang in my new year my way. Out with my ladies on the 30th and home writing on the eve.  2013 is going to be different, I can feel it in my gut.  13 has always been a positive, lucky number for me.  I know a lot of you made resolutions as you rang in the new year, I don’t do that.  Instead I make lists of the things I want to be part of my year and will make happen this year.  Here goes, no particular order.

 

 

Friends and the family I made – you made me smile and laugh and wish
Writing
Love – finding it, keeping it
Positivity
Health
The Last Single Girl – a dream and reality
Spoken Word – reading, creating, being
Music – seeing more of the artists I love, discovering new ones and relearn the guitar so I can make my own music
Happy heart and lighter soul
Silent Movie
California
Great Britain
Discovering something new every day
Creativity181191_10151995341230244_1114382238_n
Toronto’s Indie Scene – bigger, better, bolder
Novel – you are almost there
Vaudeville – you are on the verge
Branching out on my own – I got the knowledge, I got the power!
Learn
Perform
Love, Shortbread And A Woman Named Betty
Memorize
Publish
Naughty Haiku’s
Books
Dance. Laugh. Live!

The Next Big Thing Interview

I was asked by my friend and fellow scribe Heather Wood to participate in “The Next Big Thing” project. TNBT is a way for wordsmiths to promote upcoming work. Basically, a writer answers ten questions about a new work and then get other writers to do the same. However, I’ve added a bit of a twist to my list.  I think that playwrights, bloggers and songwriters should be part of this as well, so… here are my Next Big Thing Q & A’s:


Ten Interview Questions for the Next Big Thing:

What is your working title of your book?  The Treadle

Where did the idea come from for the book? I was I was around 5 or 6 my Mom inherited her Grandma Brown’s Treadle sewing machine (made in 1889).  I became obsessed with it.  I would actually play games where I would open the drawers and pretend there were magical creatures hidden in them.  As I got older, my obsession turned to designing doll clothes, then eventually my own clothes.  I learned how to sew on it.  As I sat there running the petal with my foot I would come up with stories about the kinds of women who might have also used it.

What genre does your book fall under?  Literary Fiction.  Though there will be a bit of historical fiction in it as well, as it spans time from the early 1900’s to mid 1980’s.

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition? 
Though they aren’t Scottish (Elizabeth is Scottish), I picture a young Elizabeth played by Kate Winslet and older Elizabeth would be Helen Mirren.  The book itself has 3 female protagonists.  Elizabeth, Carrie and Lizzie. Grandmother, Mother, Daughter.  I’m not sure who I’d cast for the rest of the characters.  Knowing me, it would be a mix of quirky Canadian and British actors.

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book? Three women, three generations, with one very powerful object that ties them all together.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency? Once the manuscript is done, I will be sending it off to a publisher.  I’ve already lived through the world of self-publishing and feel this novel deserves so much more.


How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript? The story has been with me since I was a kid. I finally sat down and started working on it between other projects over the last 2 years.


What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?  I don’t like comparing what I’m writing to other books, because they all stand on their own, although I am inspired by many writers.  Just too many to list here.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?  A few people inspired this book.  My Great Grandma Brown, whose Treadle sewing machine I inherited, my Grandma Betty, My Grandma Carrie and my mother.  All strong women who have had a lot of influence on the woman and writer I have become.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?  Strong female characters.

And now check out The Next Big Things of these wonderful writers.
Kat Leonard
Cathy McKim
Monica S. Kuebler
Brandon Pitts
Marcy Rogers

Silent Sundays and my Charlotte moments…

Silence can be a beautiful thing for a noisy mind. 

I swing hard between needing complete silence to not being able to function without chaos.  I have never been able to find an in-between.  As a creative person, a writer,  I’m not sure I want an in-between.  I find when there is darkness and chaos in my life, I do my best work.  That said, when there is pure silence I can be efficient, thorough and accurate.  Last Sunday I took a day of silence.  No music, no television, no verbal distractions.  The only sounds I heard were those around me, outside of me.   Birds singing, people on the belt-line, the sounds of distant traffic and my own breathing.  I don’t remember the last time I heard myself breath.   I’m too busy holding my breath in anticipation of what comes next.  Part of the reason I have a hard time with the silence is the freaky circus act that is constantly running my mind has to shut down, the rides need to stop, the freakshow takes a very long lunch break. When that happens I have to face reality, the grown up stuff, bills, responsibility, life. I prefer the vaudeville act, actually most artists do.  The thing is, I like to be able to eat, be entertained and pref not to be homeless, so, I decided to deal with what needs to be done.  The silence helped clear out some of the crap building up in my brain, clogging my creative arteries with plaque.  Once I accepted what had to be done, I was able to open the gates and write.  Welcome to the new tradition of Silent Sundays!

Since last Sunday’s reawakening I’ve been seeing things in my life without the rose coloured glasses, rather with 20-20 bionic vision.  I can see people clearly now.  I’ve also been having ‘Charlotte’ moments.  Anyone who is a fan of Sex and the City will get that reference.  Ok, ok!  I have a confession, this horror, sci-fi, martial arts movie fiend, independent feminist type,  who HATES the romantic comedies of today, (but is a sucker for anything prior to the 60’s),  loves Sex and the City.  For those who don’t know the show or movies, Charlotte is a very Pollyanna type, who believes in traditional love and romantic fairy-tales.  Charlotte will also blurt out random bits of wisdom, wisdom you would never expect from her.  Very…. level headed yet progressive in many ways.  I am the un-Charlotte. I don’t believe in romantic fairy-tales, I think love should be passionate and crazy, a journey, not this neat little package that is delivered with a bow to your door.  It should be about challenging each other, growing together, and knowing that when the shit hits the fan, you can both deal and will be there for each other.  I base love on how my parents have grown and survived their life together.  They’ve been together for 46 years and even though they have lived through moments of utter hell, are still crazy about each other.  That is what I want and something I said last night to a friend made it clear to me why I don’t have it and why I have been struggling in life as a whole.  Roadblocks.

Roadblock ahead!

We have been conditioned to believe that if there is a roadblock in life, you either figure out a way around it or break the roadblock down.  I am so busy trying to figure out how to do both that I never move forward in certain aspects of my life. An aspect such as love.  I am so busy trying to figure out how to make it work, how to fix it, how to reason, causing other things suffer.  I do this with my career too.  I should be going down road x but keep choosing road y.  STUBBORN!  Last night Cate and I were chatting about a personal issue I’m dealing with right now, one that I’ve grown weary of dealing with and have decided not to pursue any longer.  She asked why and I blurted out, ‘Too many roadblocks.’  I had one of those, stop, shake you head moments.  Too many roadblocks indeed. Roadblocks I am no longer going to deal with.  Right there and then, I made a promise to myself, when I see a roadblock, go the other way.  In my life I have to stop trying to get over them, around them.  Are these challenges put in front of me to better myself or make ‘life’ worth living or are they the universe telling me that there is nothing good on the other side, to turn around and head towards a clear, open road to something amazing.  I believe it’s the latter.  The universe and I are coming to a very firm and solid understanding, when it gives me messages, I’m going to start paying attention.  No more roadblocks for this girl.

The road ahead is clear, smooth driving down the route of life.

The truth will set you free…

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. ~ Mark Twain

This quote says it all and reverbs loud in my head today.  It really, truly does.

Human nature.  It’s a funny thing ain’t it.

I know a lot of things that ain’t so and won’t be so.  I’ve come to realize this. But, the reasoning behind the choices, make no sense at all.  You can’t force people to do the things you want or to make them change.  You can’t help them see the light or make them understand what is good for them, what will make their lives awesome or truly happy.    You just can’t.  You can be patient till the ends of time, but it’s up to you to make a final choice.  You can look at this patience a few ways, time wasted, lessons learned or hope.  Myself, I’m the patient hopeful one.  Most of the time.  Where is that getting me?

I’ve spent a lot of time inside my own head this last week, way too much time, time I needed to spend.  Due to depression and no money, I’ve imposed a house arrest on myself.  Yes that sounds a little harsh, but I really can’t be around people right now.  I’ve decided to focus on me, get writing done, look for freelance work and other types of work to help ensure I can pay rent, bills and eat.

I know I’m not, nor will be anyone elses priority and in the fight on my own.  I guess I always have been.  As with most things, it all comes back to Zombies.  In the event of a Zombie outbreak, you actually have a larger chance of surviving if you go out on your own.  No one slowing you down, no one else to worry about.  That’s the survival instinct I keep fighting.  I tell everyone else to go with their gut, when in fact I keep trying to force another conclusion.  Time to practice what I preach.

New week… new?

Well… due to the weather, my plan today has been moved to tomorrow.  I was going to make numerous amounts of photocopies of a resume and drop it off to bars/restaurants.  I need to generate another type of income to help pay bills, rent and allow me to eat while building clientele and attempting to get books finished and published.  Instead I am sitting here sending out my resume en mass and hoping to get work.

I refuse to give up ‘the dream’, instead this is just a bump in the road I will get over, or so I keep trying to convince myself.  I still freak out every morning, wondering how the hell am I going to pay rent at the end of the month… but it’s three weeks away and am hoping something comes to light in the meantime, still can’t sleep or eat.  That’s what happens when you are raised to be responsible and the guilt of missing a payment becomes an almost unbearable burden.  I look around at others I know and they are so ‘casual’ about the whole thing.  Not caring if they get evicted or if creditors start banging on their doors.  Me… I can’t become that lax.  Maybe I’m way more uptight then I let on.

All of this aside, I’ve come to realized more and more that I need to look out for me and me alone.  I’ve always been there for others, but when I’m in a time of crisis, those individuals are nowhere to be found.  In a world that has a million ways to communicate… don’t tell me you have no way of getting a hold of me to see how I’m doing.  All you’ve proven is you just don’t give a damn… so I in turn, need to stop as well.  In the last month I’ve been unloading a lot of dead weight and this week, much more has been sent down the disposal.

So back at it.  Resumes out. Submissions to books, magazines out.  Prepare stuff for grant applications.  I will plug on.