Well… due to the weather, my plan today has been moved to tomorrow.  I was going to make numerous amounts of photocopies of a resume and drop it off to bars/restaurants.  I need to generate another type of income to help pay bills, rent and allow me to eat while building clientele and attempting to get books finished and published.  Instead I am sitting here sending out my resume en mass and hoping to get work.

I refuse to give up ‘the dream’, instead this is just a bump in the road I will get over, or so I keep trying to convince myself.  I still freak out every morning, wondering how the hell am I going to pay rent at the end of the month… but it’s three weeks away and am hoping something comes to light in the meantime, still can’t sleep or eat.  That’s what happens when you are raised to be responsible and the guilt of missing a payment becomes an almost unbearable burden.  I look around at others I know and they are so ‘casual’ about the whole thing.  Not caring if they get evicted or if creditors start banging on their doors.  Me… I can’t become that lax.  Maybe I’m way more uptight then I let on.

All of this aside, I’ve come to realized more and more that I need to look out for me and me alone.  I’ve always been there for others, but when I’m in a time of crisis, those individuals are nowhere to be found.  In a world that has a million ways to communicate… don’t tell me you have no way of getting a hold of me to see how I’m doing.  All you’ve proven is you just don’t give a damn… so I in turn, need to stop as well.  In the last month I’ve been unloading a lot of dead weight and this week, much more has been sent down the disposal.

So back at it.  Resumes out. Submissions to books, magazines out.  Prepare stuff for grant applications.  I will plug on.