Silence can be a beautiful thing for a noisy mind.
I swing hard between needing complete silence to not being able to function without chaos. I have never been able to find an in-between. As a creative person, a writer, I’m not sure I want an in-between. I find when there is darkness and chaos in my life, I do my best work. That said, when there is pure silence I can be efficient, thorough and accurate. Last Sunday I took a day of silence. No music, no television, no verbal distractions. The only sounds I heard were those around me, outside of me. Birds singing, people on the belt-line, the sounds of distant traffic and my own breathing. I don’t remember the last time I heard myself breath. I’m too busy holding my breath in anticipation of what comes next. Part of the reason I have a hard time with the silence is the freaky circus act that is constantly running my mind has to shut down, the rides need to stop, the freakshow takes a very long lunch break. When that happens I have to face reality, the grown up stuff, bills, responsibility, life. I prefer the vaudeville act, actually most artists do. The thing is, I like to be able to eat, be entertained and pref not to be homeless, so, I decided to deal with what needs to be done. The silence helped clear out some of the crap building up in my brain, clogging my creative arteries with plaque. Once I accepted what had to be done, I was able to open the gates and write. Welcome to the new tradition of Silent Sundays!
Since last Sunday’s reawakening I’ve been seeing things in my life without the rose coloured glasses, rather with 20-20 bionic vision. I can see people clearly now. I’ve also been having ‘Charlotte’ moments. Anyone who is a fan of Sex and the City will get that reference. Ok, ok! I have a confession, this horror, sci-fi, martial arts movie fiend, independent feminist type, who HATES the romantic comedies of today, (but is a sucker for anything prior to the 60’s), loves Sex and the City. For those who don’t know the show or movies, Charlotte is a very Pollyanna type, who believes in traditional love and romantic fairy-tales. Charlotte will also blurt out random bits of wisdom, wisdom you would never expect from her. Very…. level headed yet progressive in many ways. I am the un-Charlotte. I don’t believe in romantic fairy-tales, I think love should be passionate and crazy, a journey, not this neat little package that is delivered with a bow to your door. It should be about challenging each other, growing together, and knowing that when the shit hits the fan, you can both deal and will be there for each other. I base love on how my parents have grown and survived their life together. They’ve been together for 46 years and even though they have lived through moments of utter hell, are still crazy about each other. That is what I want and something I said last night to a friend made it clear to me why I don’t have it and why I have been struggling in life as a whole. Roadblocks.
We have been conditioned to believe that if there is a roadblock in life, you either figure out a way around it or break the roadblock down. I am so busy trying to figure out how to do both that I never move forward in certain aspects of my life. An aspect such as love. I am so busy trying to figure out how to make it work, how to fix it, how to reason, causing other things suffer. I do this with my career too. I should be going down road x but keep choosing road y. STUBBORN! Last night Cate and I were chatting about a personal issue I’m dealing with right now, one that I’ve grown weary of dealing with and have decided not to pursue any longer. She asked why and I blurted out, ‘Too many roadblocks.’ I had one of those, stop, shake you head moments. Too many roadblocks indeed. Roadblocks I am no longer going to deal with. Right there and then, I made a promise to myself, when I see a roadblock, go the other way. In my life I have to stop trying to get over them, around them. Are these challenges put in front of me to better myself or make ‘life’ worth living or are they the universe telling me that there is nothing good on the other side, to turn around and head towards a clear, open road to something amazing. I believe it’s the latter. The universe and I are coming to a very firm and solid understanding, when it gives me messages, I’m going to start paying attention. No more roadblocks for this girl.
The road ahead is clear, smooth driving down the route of life.