Imagine the opening scene of Get Smart. Agent 86, walking down that long tunnel, doors slamming down behind him. Now imagine you’re Agent 86, this is a dream and you wake up in a cold panicked sweat, realizing it’s times to start closing doors. Doors you are terrified to close. Dreams are a funny deal, you can either try to analyze the shit out of them or take them for what they are, your subconscious smacking you in the ass. In my case, this wasn’t so much a dream, as an epiphany, time to close doors.
My biggest issue is I’m a fixer. It doesn’t matter if it’s a relationship, friendship or a broken object. I refuse to give up till all avenues are exhausted, all scenario’s played out, the final straw has been broken. In doing so, I leave doors open a crack, refusing to believe things can’t change or get better. The morning I had that dream, I realized I need to stop leaving those doors open. I need to shut all the partially open doors, move on, get the fuck over it! I was stagnating myself by letting issues, people and problems hang on. I couldn’t write, my creative juices had dried up. I was frustrated, depressed and feeling an overwhelming despair. I’m a writer who couldn’t write, I’d given up on love for my craft and ever finding love again in my own personal life and this terrified me. That morning, I took a very deep breath and then I closed all the doors. Every, last, one. No one should give up on their dreams and no one should EVER give up on love.
Then it happened. The awakening. The opening of the new door. The excitement. It’s been 6 months since I’ve actually been able to write more than just a few lines and now I can’t write fast enough. I’ve revived a project I had a huge hard on for before all this happened. I’m finishing off odds and ends that were pushed aside because I’d lost my desire. I’ve found my will to write again.
Since I’ve started creating again, I’ve started working on my TV series project I’d been conceptualizing. It’s based on my own life as a single woman. I figured much of my life is a sitcom anyway, so why not create a TV series about it. I’ve played with the idea for a few years, the Gods know I have enough fodder in my life to fill a few solid seasons, so… write what you know, know what you write. I don’t remember the last time I was this excited, exhilarated, had such a huge boner for a project. And my boner is massive right now.
I feel like I’m in control again. Though I don’t know what might be on the other side of the door, I’m walking through it anyway. I’ve found the ambition that is needed to make my dreams come true and am ready to see if love comes my way. This girl has opened the door wide and is no longer afraid to leave it all the way open!