Magic and appreciation…

It’s funny how ones week can go from craptastic to spectacular in the blink of an eye. My week started out with me stressing about how to pay rent at the end of the month and is ending with me grinning ear to ear.  I know, I know it’s only Saturday morning, the week isn’t quite over yet.  There is still another day of awesomeness ahead. Yet, I feel I need to be vocal right now.

I wrote off Monday and rebooted my week with Tuesday.  A night of live music and debauchery was exactly the magic ingredient to restart, recover, redo. It was also a night that reminded me, I have some pretty damn amazing people in my life, people who have inspired me to start performing again, people who inspire me to be a better person, people who inspire me that true love is having people in your life who love you back with the same amount of passion and vigor, people who push you for the good, not to put you over the edge.  I went through a period of stage fright, but the gentle prodding of someone dear to my heart convinced me to get over that fear and get back on the stage.  Because of him I did an open mic and am now not only doing features for my poetry, but producing and co-producing shows. It doesn’t stop there, since meeting him, there has been a snow ball that has turned into an avalanche of being introduced to amazing people.  People who are inspiring me, people who are pushing me to go higher up that mountain, people I’m producing shows with.  I don’t need to name names, he knows who he is.

Then along came The Beautiful and The Damned.  As I said earlier, getting over my stage fright has me featuring again, Thursday night I was a feature at The Beautiful and The Damned.  I was honoured to share the stage with Helen Posno and Kat Leonard, it was a magical night.  The people I have met since becoming part of this amazing reading series blow me away on a daily basis and are inspiring me as a writer and performer.  Though I didn’t meet Kat at the series, she too is one of those people.  So much so we are producing a show with the equally wonderful Arlene Paculan.

Oh… but it doesn’t stop there.  A beautiful girl named Ellie Anderson, not only wrote a song for me, but made a video.  How does anyone top that?  Note to anyone out there who is wanting to woo me, you’ve got a long way to go to beat Ellie!  She raised the bar pretty damned high!

The week, it ain’t over yet. Last night was a girlfriend date with Cate at the Alumni Theatre. Seeing Cosi reminded me how much I love the insanity and chaos of my life. Sunday I will be heading to the Local to listen to a band I am considering for another show I’m creating.  I will also be in good company that night.

This girl, she’s pretty damned lucky and has to remember to count her stars each and every day because I’m only up to 2000.

My Own Personal Zombie

{contains a Walking Dead spoiler}

A good majority of the time television is there to entertain.  To temporarily take you away from the stresses of your life, to help give your mind a break.  Occasionally it does just the opposite, stirs up the gray matter, forcing you to face your inner demons and personal zombies.

I’m a lover of all types of horror, I work in the industry, so by the Gods I’d better.  My passion is Zombies. One of my releases for several weeks a year, is to delve into the world of The Walking Dead.  Each episode this season has left me astounded, amazed and proud that a show such as The Walking Dead is making a huge difference in the industry.  The writing is powerful, clever and poignant.  Last nights episode took it up yet another notch, but went further than that.  The ending, Dale’s death hit home.

The last few weeks have been hard, incredibly hard.  My dad is ill and because of this has me worried and stressed.  When I first found out about his illness it hit me like a mac truck.  The thought of losing a parent scares the hell out of me.  That along with the struggles of being a freelance artist, having to take a contract job that is making me very unhappy and ending in a month, struggling to find something else temporarily, trying to figure out how I’m going to pay rent and my bills at the end of the month, knowing if I had a roommate it would ease burden, but on top of it all, trying to to decide what to do about my own ‘personal zombie’.  A combination of all of this had sunk me back into depression.  I NEVER ask for help, rather crawl into my corner and fight through situations like this on my own.  This time I reached out, I asked for help.  Those I reached out to declined, those who should have been there for me, weren’t. I had a final awakening. So what does all this have to do with the ending of  last nights episode of The Walking Dead? Dale.

Dale’s own struggle mirrors my own.  Dale is the fixer, the nurturer.  He tried so hard to keep the peace, keep everyone together and to hold onto a way of life that no longer existed. Dale is the one who talked Andrea out of dying at the CDC, Dale is the one who tried to convince everyone that killing someone to save the group made them the same types of animals.  Dale is the one who continually tried to get others to understand his side of things, when all they could see is their own answers.  ‘Their way or the highway.‘ Yet Dale still tried to get through to them. That is me in nutshell.  I’ve been doing just that, trying to make something work that isn’t working. Holding on, hoping things will change, hoping for a miracle that just isn’t going to appear.  Dale’s death made me realize all of this. Dale’s death made me realize that in the end you just can’t make others see your way if they don’t want to even make the effort to open their eyes.

I NEVER cover my eyes in horror movies, ever!  Last night, the very second the Zombie started attacking Dale, I covered my face.  When everyone tried to come to his rescue, realizing they were too late, having to finish what the Zombie started, it hit me. Life is too fucking short to keep trying to make something work, when only one side of the equation is willing to open up to possibility, to let the wall down, to open the door.  Dale no longer has to bang his head on that proverbial wall and it’s time I stopped as well.

As hard, as painful and as heartbreaking as it is, in life you sometimes have to put the Zombie down. Be brave, move on.

Muddling Through

I’m not even sure how to begin the first paragraph of this blog post. My mind seems to be in a million places these days, not to mention the last few weeks of my life have been odd, a puzzle, confusing and stressful.  In a mad mix of trying to fix my personal life, trying to get my professional life back on track, things have been well, a box of a 1000 puzzle pieces scattered all over the place.  Over the weekend I have started putting pieces back together and in the process have been also putting my mental 1000 piece puzzle back together.  Needless to say, I feel like all I’ve been doing is muddling through.

I’m not going to write about the dealing of my personal life here.  I’m still trying to figure that out, work in progress shall we say and leave it at that. Professionally, I was getting tonnes of work, editing, pr stuff, finally getting my writing out to calls and BOOM!  my hard drive failed.  Foolishly I hadn’t backed up in months, all my hard work… is on the hard drive.  I now have my computer back and minus a few glitches that I’m still trying to fix, it’s back in working order. Though Apple pretty much made the process even more painful for me (not ordering parts right away, almost losing my old hard drive, taking 3 weeks to fix it), they did add the latest operating system for me, something I was needing to do anyway… however, now my printer and scanner won’t work.  Both things I need to do my This Girl Friday work.  So… I need to go find a printer scanner combo… sooner rather than later.  But… but!  the most painful thing I’m dealing with… my files.

I’ve shopped around for quotes and have had $50 as long as the hard drive isn’t damaged to $1000 plus if it is.  I can’t afford to spend $1000 to get my files back and am at a loss as to what to do.  Three big projects I was writing are on there.  I can rebuild all my This Girl Friday Stuff, I can get all the last versions of editing back from clients… my writing, I can’t.  Is the universe telling me to go back and do it all over again from scratch.  Fortunately, a lot of my short stories were on my old laptop, I can take those and revise if need be, but the projects… UGG!  I have to make a decision on this.

I’ve learned a few things in the process of all this:

1. I hold on to things and people that I shouldn’t.  I need to do a major life purge.  I need to purge my apartment and my personal life.  I’m what’s know as a nurturer, a fixer.  I will keep trying to make things work until the worlds end and must stop.  Some things aren’t meant to be and some people just aren’t meant to be in your life.  I have to realize when things and people in your life don’t reciprocate, move on.  why the hell should I always be the one doing 90 percent of the work?  Especially when it comes to friendships and relationships.  Since the summer I’ve realized this and am becoming better at it.  Better at letting go, better and no longer doing the work.  If people are meant to be in my life, they will give back.

2. I have too much crap. My closets are full of it. Starting Sunday I will be purging material belongings. Growing up we made fun of my packrat father… I’ve now become just like him, keeping things just incase… Maybe I will fix it, that outfit will fit again one day… Um NO! Time to clean house! I used to be able to fit all my stuff in a couple boxes and some garbage bags… Now, not so much!

3. I need to work harder.  Yes, believe it or not, this work horse isn’t working hard enough.  I need to write more, try harder to get grants, get back on track.  Tomorrow I start the 12-8 shift, which is a blessing.  I’m a night owl and at my most creative when it’s dark.  I am also going to attempt to get up earlier in the morning and write for at least and hour then each day.

4.  I’ve come to the conclusion I do need to find a cheaper place to live, or get a roomie.  Am trying to come to a final decision on this.  This is a tough one for me. I have nothing but nightmare roommate stories. The only times it has worked is when I’ve lived with a boy… Relationship or otherwise. Not such a simple answer.

Time for a purging! Let the games begin!!!

Brave New World…

Recently I did something that’s been scaring me for a really, really long time. Something I’d built up in my head to be harder than it really was. Though encouraged by others I put it off, made excuses and ultimately hid from my own creative development. Finally, last Thursday I found my inner balls and did something about it.

I used to be fearless… Any excuse to be on stage, sing out loud or show off to an audience and I was there. One day, during a presentation for work, I was ultimately humiliated in front of my peers by a senior manager and something inside me went into hiding. The thought of revealing my own creations to the pubic caused me panic attacks, stifling the artist in me. I was missing out on something that gave me joy, due the actions of one unimportant person.

It took me months of building up the nerve, but I finally did it. Last Thursday, at The Beautiful and The Damned, I read my work to an audience. 2 poems and a Haiku was all it took to cut the ropes that held me back. I put myself in a situation where I had to nut up, posted on Facebook that I was doing it, told someone to put me on the open mic schedule, friends came out for me. I felt like my entire body was shaking the entire time, but I did it!

Now that I conquered this… What’s next… Wiping out the rest of my fears. No more baby steps. This girl is taking one great big leap forward!

That was an interesting night…

Exhausted! And not because fun was had, no… no fun here and of course the events of last night… DID NOT HELP!  This blog post comes to you courtesy of my adventures with one very drunk, very angry, very possessive woman… and from a Northern Ontario number.

First came the hang-ups. After number 5 or 6 I finally had to turn my phone off.  This now adding to my sleeplessness, because I became paranoid that my only working alarm… on my phone may not go off and what if there is an emergency and someone was trying to get a hold of me? My alarm went off, but after 3 hours sleep, I wanted to throw my phone against the wall.

Did I mention I’m exhausted?  After stumbling to the shower, trying to wake myself up, I now have a cup of coffee in hand and turned my phone back on to see what else to expect… golly gee… of course there is more.  3 very nasty voicemails.  Thank the gods my phone plan only allows 3 of them, I can just imagine!!!  But, it get’s better… oh… it truly does…

These were the best drunk, angry, crazy ass bitch voicemails EVER!  EVER!

  • They took place at either a party or a bar, familiar loud music was playing in the background.
  • One of the voicemails even had you tag teaming with one of your girlfriends.  Rather drunk girlfriends I might add.  Who by the way, was so incoherent, I hope you sent her home in a cab.
  • One took place in the bar/party’s bathroom cause… the toilet flushing… NICE TOUCH!
  • The second call, which led to the third I’m sure… the message part stopped abruptly when the person you were so angrily calling about started having a conversation with YOU!  At this point of the game, you should have turned your phone off.  Instead, I’m assuming you put the phone on the table and I got to hear your conversation.  It may have been for my ears, cause yes, I recognized the voice.  Bravo to you {sarcasm font needed here}!!!
  • The third call, with all the laughing in the background.  I think you’ve found your calling… YOU are your friends entertainment!

Just a few pointers for you, for the next time you decide to go all crazy ass bitch on someone.

  • You can actually trace cell phones to the city they are registered in.  So ya, I know what Northern, Ontario city this came from.
  • The ‘man’ you kept referring to… Honey, he’s all yours.  Keep him, because trust me, when I start getting crazy ass bitch calls because of a man… he’s not worth my bother.  As a matter of fact, keep him there!  Let him entertain YOU for a while.
  • You might want to block your number next time, cause, well… now that I have it.   I will be calling you at 3… 4… 5 am, FROM A BLOCKED number.
  • NOTE to the guy… You might want to be careful where you leave your cell.  Apparently crazy ass bitches like to snoop.  I shouldn’t even be helping you out here but…

Music that matches your mood…

Ever hear a song that screams out to you?  Lyrics that shadow and match the things that are going on in your life.  Music, not just for angsty teens anymore.

I saw this video posted on friends Facebook, then shared it on mine.  Once I really listened to it and really heard what they were saying, I realized how right they are.

The lyrics

I was raised up believing I was somehow unique
Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see
And now after some thinking, I’d say I’d rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me

But I don’t, I don’t know what that will be
I’ll get back to you someday soon you will see

What’s my name, what’s my station, oh, just tell me what I should do
I don’t need to be kind to the armies of night that would do such injustice to you
Or bow down and be grateful and say “sure, take all that you see”
To the men who move only in dimly-lit halls and determine my future for me

And I don’t, I don’t know who to believe
I’ll get back to you someday soon you will see

If I know only one thing, it’s that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I’m tongue-tied and dizzy and I can’t keep it to myself
What good is it to sing helplessness blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

And I know, I know you will keep me on the shelf
I’ll come back to you someday soon myself

If I had an orchard, I’d work till I’m raw
If I had an orchard, I’d work till I’m sore
And you would wait tables and soon run the store

Gold hair in the sunlight, my light in the dawn
If I had an orchard, I’d work till I’m sore
If I had an orchard, I’d work till I’m sore
Someday I’ll be like the man on the screen