Muddling Through

I’m not even sure how to begin the first paragraph of this blog post. My mind seems to be in a million places these days, not to mention the last few weeks of my life have been odd, a puzzle, confusing and stressful.  In a mad mix of trying to fix my personal life, trying to get my professional life back on track, things have been well, a box of a 1000 puzzle pieces scattered all over the place.  Over the weekend I have started putting pieces back together and in the process have been also putting my mental 1000 piece puzzle back together.  Needless to say, I feel like all I’ve been doing is muddling through.

I’m not going to write about the dealing of my personal life here.  I’m still trying to figure that out, work in progress shall we say and leave it at that. Professionally, I was getting tonnes of work, editing, pr stuff, finally getting my writing out to calls and BOOM!  my hard drive failed.  Foolishly I hadn’t backed up in months, all my hard work… is on the hard drive.  I now have my computer back and minus a few glitches that I’m still trying to fix, it’s back in working order. Though Apple pretty much made the process even more painful for me (not ordering parts right away, almost losing my old hard drive, taking 3 weeks to fix it), they did add the latest operating system for me, something I was needing to do anyway… however, now my printer and scanner won’t work.  Both things I need to do my This Girl Friday work.  So… I need to go find a printer scanner combo… sooner rather than later.  But… but!  the most painful thing I’m dealing with… my files.

I’ve shopped around for quotes and have had $50 as long as the hard drive isn’t damaged to $1000 plus if it is.  I can’t afford to spend $1000 to get my files back and am at a loss as to what to do.  Three big projects I was writing are on there.  I can rebuild all my This Girl Friday Stuff, I can get all the last versions of editing back from clients… my writing, I can’t.  Is the universe telling me to go back and do it all over again from scratch.  Fortunately, a lot of my short stories were on my old laptop, I can take those and revise if need be, but the projects… UGG!  I have to make a decision on this.

I’ve learned a few things in the process of all this:

1. I hold on to things and people that I shouldn’t.  I need to do a major life purge.  I need to purge my apartment and my personal life.  I’m what’s know as a nurturer, a fixer.  I will keep trying to make things work until the worlds end and must stop.  Some things aren’t meant to be and some people just aren’t meant to be in your life.  I have to realize when things and people in your life don’t reciprocate, move on.  why the hell should I always be the one doing 90 percent of the work?  Especially when it comes to friendships and relationships.  Since the summer I’ve realized this and am becoming better at it.  Better at letting go, better and no longer doing the work.  If people are meant to be in my life, they will give back.

2. I have too much crap. My closets are full of it. Starting Sunday I will be purging material belongings. Growing up we made fun of my packrat father… I’ve now become just like him, keeping things just incase… Maybe I will fix it, that outfit will fit again one day… Um NO! Time to clean house! I used to be able to fit all my stuff in a couple boxes and some garbage bags… Now, not so much!

3. I need to work harder.  Yes, believe it or not, this work horse isn’t working hard enough.  I need to write more, try harder to get grants, get back on track.  Tomorrow I start the 12-8 shift, which is a blessing.  I’m a night owl and at my most creative when it’s dark.  I am also going to attempt to get up earlier in the morning and write for at least and hour then each day.

4.  I’ve come to the conclusion I do need to find a cheaper place to live, or get a roomie.  Am trying to come to a final decision on this.  This is a tough one for me. I have nothing but nightmare roommate stories. The only times it has worked is when I’ve lived with a boy… Relationship or otherwise. Not such a simple answer.

Time for a purging! Let the games begin!!!

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