depression

Stay The Fuck Home It’s Ok To Be Kind To Yourself Edition

During times like what we are currently going through, we are all trying to put on a brave face. We keep saying we are ok, even when we probably aren’t. You know what, it’s ok to not to put on a brave face all of the time. It’s ok to feel anxious, sad, confused or depressed right now. When this whole thing started, I was ok. I felt good. I already work from home and had a routine. Most people aren’t used to this. On top of my routine, I decided to give myself a more structured schedule. Get up, do yoga, blog or draw, allow myself some time on social, COVID-19 updates, admin stuff, lunch, sew a bit, write, dinner…. etc. There were days that I didn’t feel like doing anything at all, but… I told myself, you need to keep to this schedule. Then…whammo, last week, depression. This week I effed up my neck. (I hold stress in my upper back and neck)

Yup… this girl suffers from depression and anxiety. What brings depression on? A number of things, but one of the biggies…. the news. I cannot read, watch or listen to the news because it brings on anxiety and depression, yet… EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY I WAS LISTENING TO IT. I needed to stop, but I needed to be informed, so I found a summary newsletter that comes out everyday from CBC. When it hits my inbox, I can scan it, read it all or delete it without opening it. On social I’ve muted anyone who is constantly posting conspiracy stuff or angry news stuff. Yes, you can mute people. Do it!

Most of what is making me anxious right now is going outside and grocery shopping. I need to go out for daily walks for my health and am worried that there will be hordes of people out there too. There hasn’t been and those who are out are courteous. But grocery shopping…. eeeeeeee. The last few times my husband has been going in for the most part. Last week was especially tough for me. I now have several masks. I know they won’t stop me from catching it, but wearing them does help with anxiety. It’s ok to feel this way.

You know what else is ok. If you have a day when you feel like doing nothing or you want to binge watch Netflix all day, or read all day or stare out window all day, just fucking do it! After… what ever week this is, I’ve stopped having my overly structured schedule. I’m back to my old routine and it feels better. I’m also not beating myself up for not being productive. Mind you, that has nothing to do with Pandemic Guilt as I call it. (Will get to that in a moment.) I’ve always been that way. Keep busy, don’t be lazy, accomplish stuff. I’ve given myself permission to be a lazy fuck once in a while.

Pandemic Guilt (as I’m calling it) is feeling like you should be doing something all the time. You see all of your friends sewing masks. You see friends working out like fiends. You see friends doing, doing, doing, doing. Ahhhhhhhh! You may also have people trying to guilt you into doing one or all of those activities. If you don’t want to, don’t do it. If you do it and it will fuck up your mental health. DON’T DO IT. Also, feel free to tell people to back the fuck up (it’s ok to be nice about this) if they are harassing you about it. It’s ok to not participate!

Do something kind for yourself during these times. Watch movies, read a book, take three hour bathes, order a dozen donuts, eat pizza… order a dozen donuts. I swear we didn’t eat them all in one sitting. Shut up! But seriously, do something that makes you happy, even if that something is doing nothing. No one is the boss of you and the only one who truly knows what makes you happy is you!

My Social Media Diet

Many years ago I discovered something. Each morning I would leave for work in a fairly decent mood. I would be freshly caffeinated and ready to take on a new day.  By the time I finished my thirty-minute commute I was angry. In the beginning… I struggled to understand how or why my mood could swing in the span of leaving my front door and arriving at my job. What event was affecting my state of emotional well being?

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Then it clicked.

My morning commutes usually had my nose deep into a novel until I discovered the free newspaper. I’m not talking about Now or Eye Magazine, I mean the mini edition of the news. It was a new phenomenon that had men and women shoving them at you as you graced the threshold of the subway station. Eventually, I was enticed and began reading them on the way to work. An unusual step for me and one I now understand I shouldn’t have taken.

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Most of my life I have avoided the six or eleven in the evening news, it has mostly been a radio droning on in the background with my ears occasionally picking up the odd important bit of news. When the paper arrived I would pull out the entertainment, fashion or Arts sections of the newspaper. Something that drove my father nuts. Why waste your time on the fluff, the real meat was in the news section he’d say. You see, my father is a bit of a newsaholic. He will read the paper cover to cover and does so every single day.

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Why was I avoiding the news part of the paper?

I have always had a dark imagination and can go down some very horrible rabbit holes and because of this hearing about the horrors of the world affected me greater than others. I’m sensitive to it. I always have been. Growing up during the 80s there was always a threat of nuclear war and that weighed heavy on me. I would go out of my way to avoid reading or talking about it. It upset me.

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Fast forward to today and the news of the of the horrors of the world still does and to the point where it will throw me into depression. I realized this one weekday as I stared down at the free newspaper that was open in my lap. That was what was making me angry. That moment the bells went off and I chucked the newspaper into the recycling and haven’t picked one up since.

Oh… but wait… welcome to our new future. Welcome to Social Media.

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When I first joined Facebook, I loved it. I was able to connect with communities, find new friends and check in on old ones. It was an actual fun place to be. Now… not so much. That fun went away when they added the newsfeed. In the beginning, it wasn’t so bad. It was generally full of horrible Meme’s and false worlds created by the user. Then… that all changed. My feed was full of fake news that people thought was real, photos of animals being tortured and many other awful, angry posts. People took on new personalities thinking that this platform was a free for all to shit out any and every thought they were having. Yes… I too was guilty of this until that moment when I realized I was doing it. I would try avoiding the feed, but it was always right there when you logged on. On a few occasions, I would deactivate my account only to realize I needed it to help promote events. I hated the fact that I relied on this social media platform to connect with audience members and communities. I hated being on a platform that wasn’t social at all.

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Then I started feeling depression creeping in again. This time I knew what the culprit was but didn’t know how to throw it in the recycling bin. I wished there was a way to promote myself, my event and run my Vintage Groups without logging on. Someday I will find a way, for now, I have a temporary solution.

Wow… that was a long way around to talk about my social media diet….

I am now limiting myself to only five minutes a day on Facebook. It can be five minutes in one shot or over a few logons. But once those five minutes are up, that is it for the day. Oh… I also don’t look at the feed. As a matter of fact, all I do is check my notifications, my events, my groups and see if there are any other events I might be interested in and then I log off.  Let me tell you, not only has it lifted that heaviness I was feeling, I realized how much of my day was wasted on there. I now have chunks of time to fill in. I’ve started drawing again. I have dedicated time to sew my own clothing. I actually feel like being social again! I’m almost to the point where I don’t even need to log on at all. There is an app for messenger, there is an app to check my pages. I believe there may be one for events, now if they would just bring back the groups app!

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This all said I do still use Instagram. The difference here is I customize what I see. I follow vintage, artists, and people I like. I am inspired by much of what I see. It is a happy place for me.

Do you also avoid Facebook? Are you willing to try the five-minute diet?