Detox my body… detox my life

I’m on day 8 of a 30 day raw detox.  The last several months I’ve felt gross, sluggish, bleech.  A recent doctors appointment having me realize, no matter how much I love my curves, 20 lbs of them needs to go.   That isn’t why I’m doing the detox though.  I need to get my body and life back on track.  I’m at day 8.  Last time I tried this, it was at day 8 that I failed. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.  Each day measuring my progress, growing frustrated that I wasn’t losing inches.  I’ve changed up my strategy this time. I know that I can’t do 30 days straight, 100% raw, so I am allowing myself every 5th day to eat cooked food, BUT only if it’s healthy and made by me and it has to be mostly vegetables.  No carbs, no fried anything, no crap!  I am also NOT measuring myself.  If I start doing that, then this becomes about weight loss and it should be about becoming healthy.  I also need to do this on the cheap.  Being broke means Chinatown shopping.

Something I’ve noticed happening since the beginning of the detox is my inability to sleep.  I was hoping the healthy diet would get rid of my Insomnia, rather it’s made it even worse.  My nights are filled with nightmares, one consistently appearing each and every night.  I guess I needed to detox more than just my body, I need to detox my life.  Detoxing my life means removing anything negative, anyone negative.  I tend to hold onto things and people way too long and part of this process has to be letting all of it go.  Hopefully by doing all of this, I will find ways to remove both the emotional and financial stresses and worries from my life.   One thing I have admitted is I need to get a 9-5 job that pays me enough to not be broke.  Freelancing full-time has put me in unmanageable debt.  Going forward I need to concentrate on what I love, writing and performing.  A 9-5 job will allow me the luxury to do both without worrying about not paying rent or my bills.  I’ve been taking a lot of time to think over the last month, my life is due for a change.  I’m distracted and cannot concentrate on what’s important, the distractions are about to go bye bye.

I’m not sure if this is due to the detox or that I am finally accepting my own emotions.  Saturday, while on the subway, I got weepy.  The beautiful Kerrick warned me that it could happen.  As toxins leave your body, hormones go a bit nuts.  I don’t think that is why.  There was a couple sitting and talking.  He touched her as they talked, she smiled each time he looked at her.  He was truly in love with her, his eyes said so.  I was weepy because I realized I want that.  I want someone to look at me, the way he looked at her.  I think I’ve been trying to convince myself that I don’t need anyone, that if there is no one around I won’t end up with another broken heart.  I finally admitted I am lonely and long for the love of someone I will never have.  That isn’t the detox talking, that is my heart.  I’m so busy listening to my gut, I keep forgetting my heart has a say in things.  Maybe it’s time I opened my ears.

These next 30 or 60 days if I choose to continue, will be a very interesting journey, but one I need to do for my own physical, mental and emotional health.  Here’s hoping for 8 more days!

Another brilliant evening with lovely company!

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Back upstairs at Zelda’s (aka “the trailer in the sky”) for another edition of The Beautiful and the Damned last night – with my pal, the lovely and talented Lizzie Violet – this time, for a special (and early treat) Pride edition, sponsored by Queers Against Israeli Apartheid (QAIA). Dead celeb of the month: Jean Genet http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_Genet

Host DM Moore had a full roster of features and open mic readers/performers, and as I’ve done previously, I’d like to go for a word association riff here. If I’ve misspelled or misnamed anyone, please let me know in Comments and I’ll correct the error asap. One thing all these artists had in common was passion in their words, whether by poetry, spoken word or song.

Features: Ghadeer Malek – poetry of the pain and resilience of the Palestinian people, resolving to not just survive but thrive; marginalization of queers and Palestinians, and…

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This book is the funniest thing I’ve read EVER! And it was meant to be serious. Cate suggested she should read some of it during open mic. I think we should turn it into a play.

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When I was about seven, I asked my mum where babies came from. Mum having been a nurse and all, plus me being the oldest of four kids, I knew we came out of her belly (and even had the opportunity to listen in with her stethoscope when she was pregnant with my sibs) – plus, duh, that baby bump is pretty hard to miss, especially on a woman as tiny as my mum. But I wanted to know how the heck they got in there. During our initial chat, she gave me this whole spiel about the flower which, while very interesting from a botanical perspective – and even quite poetic and lyrical – was confusing as all hell.

For about a year, I thought I was a Chrysanthemum. So I went back and asked her how all that flower stuff worked with people – only to be shocked…

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This city is amazing and we need to support Arts and Culture and make the people who run this city realize, it is what makes Toronto so amazing!

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Okay, so back to the work and big fun of blogging about cool arts, culture and entertainment stuff around Toronto.

Yesterday, I had a date with one of my ladies – the lovely and talented Lizzie Violet – to go hear Brandon Pitts read at Art of the Danforth. Toronto was having another heat wave day – hot, but not too sticky – and we were very happy to find a spot in the shade at the outdoor venue adjacent to the TCHC apartment building on the south side of Danforth, just east of Greenwood. We got there a bit early, so had the added pleasure of catching some music and song from Voces Poeticas: Music and Poetry in Motion. Thanks to Lizzie for the pics!

I’ve seen Brandon Pitts read once before – at The Beautiful and the Damned at Zelda’s a couple of months ago – and it…

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Lizzie Violet's avatarLove and Shortbread and a woman named Betty

I’ve been thinking a lot about the red duo-tang that my Aunt Margie gave me.  I am incredibly blessed to have the people I do in my life. I believe that everything happens for a reason.  situations, people, EVERYTHING.  I’ve talked so long about taking my Grandma’s recipes and converting them, then they arrive in my mail box.  Fate meet your destiny. 

I’m a strong believer in The Fates.  For the most part they leave you to your own devices, occasionally popping in to steer you back into the correct direction.  When they do intervene you can choose to fight them or listen to them.  For years I’ve been fighting them, worried I need to be a good girl and pay my bills on time, follow the rules of being a good citizen. They keep pushing me in the direction of being a full time writer. I’m a good story tell…

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Love and Shortbread and a woman named Betty.


I sit here with tears rolling down my face, missing someone harder than I ever have.  A red duo-tang tight in my arms, in it’s pages, memories of a woman I think about daily.  A woman who inspires me even though she is no longer here, a woman who would be telling me to smarten up and stop feeling sorry for myself, a woman who could give you a hug,  followed by a laugh, washing away all your fears.

Today I started beating myself up again for not earning enough as an artist, not doing enough to succeed. I dreaded opening my mail box knowing there would be bills inside, bills I might not be able to pay. Questioning why I keep doing this if all I do is struggle.  I put the key in the lock, turned and took a deep breath as I opened the door. Stuffed snugly in that mailbox, amongst the bills was a white padded envelope.  My Mom had told me something special was on it’s way.  Something one of a kind.  I had no clue what she was sending me, but it was my Mom and I figured it would be something sent out of love.  I wasn’t expecting this.  I wasn’t expecting for my Grandmother to jump out at me.

As I pulled back the front red cover, I saw the title Recipes By Grandma and to the right of it, there she was in a black and white photo, in an apron flashing her famous smile.  Instantly I was overwhelmed by how much I missed her, how long it’s been since I last heard her laugh.  When we were kids, we couldn’t wait to go visit her, at Christmas we didn’t care about gifts, it was her shortbreads, the mittens and the thick handmade socks that we wanted.  Each birthday for as long as I can remember, she gave me a tea cup and saucer, all of which I still use.  She taught me how to knit and how to bake.  She taught me that nothing is so bad that you can’t find humour in it.  She taught me that I was important. I wished I could have been a better granddaughter, but I won’t fail to make her proud.

This book, this treasure is from my Aunt Margie.  My aunt is a beautiful, generous woman who put this book together with her own hands.  It contains all of my Grandma’s recipes (in her handwriting) and photos of her taken throughout her life.  I recently told a dear friend that I was working on two cookbook ideas.  One is almost written, the second was a book I wanted to do of home style cooking, converting my Grandmother’s recipes to Vegan versions.  A week later, I hold the original recipes in my hands.  Aunt Margie, you have no idea how much I cherish you or how much I love that you made me this book?  Do you know I think about her every day, do you know I talk about her every single week? Do you know that every person who knows me, knows a Betty story?  Earlier today on my Facebook I said I needed inspiration. My inspiration has arrived.  You have both inspired me.  This book wasn’t just about recipes, inside are photos I adore and others I have never seen before.  The pages are bursting of Grandma Betty and Aunt Margie’s love.  Aunt Margie even wrote a poem.  I am going to reprint it here. Aunt Margie,  I hope you don’t mind.  It is the most beautiful thing anyone has written to me. Thank you.  I love you!

The letter/poem.

Dear Carolina,

My Mother – your Grandmother – one of the same
What a beautiful woman with a wonderful name
She cooked, she baked, she whistled, she sewed
In her wee wee house by the side of the road
She had many children and loved every one
But she adore her grandchildren each time they come
Her past time was knitting scarfs, mitts and socks
Which everyone received in their own special box
She never missed a birthday – everyone got a card
Enclosed was some money – on her pension – that was hard
But that did not stop her – our angel of old
Who had a memorable laugh and a heart of gold
I often sit and ponder over a cup of tea
and hear her words come back to me
“A pinch of this and a handful of that
and make sure that pastry is rolled out flat”
The thick Scottish brogue she used once in awhile
She had a pretty round face and a welcoming smile
She sang like a bird – could carry a tune
And if she could afford it – she would give you the moon
So enjoy this booklet I had fun putting together
It hold memories of Elizabeth – a wonderful treasure

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Join us during Pride for a Spoken Work Musical Jam accompanied by Amoeba Starfish at the Clean Sober and Proud Place, The Community Cafe, Paul Kane Parkade (east of Yonge, north side of Welleseley).

Our fabulous, damned and beautiful committee members will each be reading.

Writer, editor, poet, literary reviewer, horror know-it-all, Lizzie Violet is the dark little girl, with a crooked smile. A lover of all things creepy, including horror silent movies, she is also a well known Zombiephile. She is currently working on a novel, a poetry manuscript and the latest book she edited, Best New Werewolf Tales, Volume One can be found at Amazon.com

Since returning to the world of performance, she has featured at Tumultuous Tuesdays, hosted The Beautiful & The Damned, co-produced Wonder Women IV, Get Your Groove on, with upcoming features for the Plasticine reading series, The Beautiful & The Damned and many others…

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When you love someone, tell them. Circumstances should never be a factor.

My Dealing Michelle posted the below picture on my Facebook wall today.  When I saw it, it reminded me of someone who holds a special place in my heart and that I love how goofy they are.  That and one of my dearest friends, who had the Kahona’s today to tell someone how she felt about them,  got me thinking about love.

Have you ever loved someone so much your heart feels like it will burst from your chest, yet are terrified to tell them because you aren’t sure if they will reject you.  When you love someone, shouldn’t you be able to tell them, no matter what the circumstances are?  Why are we as humans so afraid to express this?  Animals have no fear expressing love or showing affection, yet as these creatures who are supposedly superior or rather think we are, we either can’t express our natural instincts for affection or when told by someone, rather than accept the possibilities, will run.

Of late I have also questioned this ‘in love’ deal.  Does it really exist? Isn’t it better to be with someone who is your best friend, who you have fun with, are happy with, who you love and trust, rather than seeking out that Snuffalupogus ‘in love’.  I personally think we have been programmed by fiction and ‘romantic comedies’ to think you aren’t with The One, unless you are feeling that magical emotion.

Personally I’m tired of having to hide the way I feel because saying it might be viewed as inappropriate or I might be rejected by that other person.  I am not one to give my love freely and if I do love you, there is a really good reason behind my emotions and if we continue to be in each others lives, love comes into play at some point.  Whether  a lover, friend or family, we as beings are built to feel this.

So… feel it I will.  And say it without fear.

Tell someone you love them.  Tell someone how beautiful you think they are and do it with a brave heart.

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Heather Hill launched her new CD, Leuty Station, at the Drake Underground last night – and what a night!

Met my pal Lizzie Violet out front and we stopped by the merch table to visit Meghan Morrison, who co-wrote “Wading Through Normal” with Hill and producer Orville Heyn for this record. I picked up a copy of Leuty Station, as well as Hill’s NYC recording of her debut CD Listen. Listening to Leuty Station as I write this – and I love that Hill included a lyrics booklet with this CD!

Micah Barnes opened with a fabulous set of  jazz and R&B numbers, accompanying himself on a gorgeous baby grand. Sexy, playful and charming, Barnes gave us a few mini-sets, rising in between to chat with the audience from the centre microphone and introduce the next theme. I’m always a sucker for songs about love. And New…

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