I’m on day 8 of a 30 day raw detox.  The last several months I’ve felt gross, sluggish, bleech.  A recent doctors appointment having me realize, no matter how much I love my curves, 20 lbs of them needs to go.   That isn’t why I’m doing the detox though.  I need to get my body and life back on track.  I’m at day 8.  Last time I tried this, it was at day 8 that I failed. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.  Each day measuring my progress, growing frustrated that I wasn’t losing inches.  I’ve changed up my strategy this time. I know that I can’t do 30 days straight, 100% raw, so I am allowing myself every 5th day to eat cooked food, BUT only if it’s healthy and made by me and it has to be mostly vegetables.  No carbs, no fried anything, no crap!  I am also NOT measuring myself.  If I start doing that, then this becomes about weight loss and it should be about becoming healthy.  I also need to do this on the cheap.  Being broke means Chinatown shopping.

Something I’ve noticed happening since the beginning of the detox is my inability to sleep.  I was hoping the healthy diet would get rid of my Insomnia, rather it’s made it even worse.  My nights are filled with nightmares, one consistently appearing each and every night.  I guess I needed to detox more than just my body, I need to detox my life.  Detoxing my life means removing anything negative, anyone negative.  I tend to hold onto things and people way too long and part of this process has to be letting all of it go.  Hopefully by doing all of this, I will find ways to remove both the emotional and financial stresses and worries from my life.   One thing I have admitted is I need to get a 9-5 job that pays me enough to not be broke.  Freelancing full-time has put me in unmanageable debt.  Going forward I need to concentrate on what I love, writing and performing.  A 9-5 job will allow me the luxury to do both without worrying about not paying rent or my bills.  I’ve been taking a lot of time to think over the last month, my life is due for a change.  I’m distracted and cannot concentrate on what’s important, the distractions are about to go bye bye.

I’m not sure if this is due to the detox or that I am finally accepting my own emotions.  Saturday, while on the subway, I got weepy.  The beautiful Kerrick warned me that it could happen.  As toxins leave your body, hormones go a bit nuts.  I don’t think that is why.  There was a couple sitting and talking.  He touched her as they talked, she smiled each time he looked at her.  He was truly in love with her, his eyes said so.  I was weepy because I realized I want that.  I want someone to look at me, the way he looked at her.  I think I’ve been trying to convince myself that I don’t need anyone, that if there is no one around I won’t end up with another broken heart.  I finally admitted I am lonely and long for the love of someone I will never have.  That isn’t the detox talking, that is my heart.  I’m so busy listening to my gut, I keep forgetting my heart has a say in things.  Maybe it’s time I opened my ears.

These next 30 or 60 days if I choose to continue, will be a very interesting journey, but one I need to do for my own physical, mental and emotional health.  Here’s hoping for 8 more days!